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This was the same thing, but it was also different. I knew Cruz was walking away from me for good this time. It was a battle I didn't know how to fight.
"He made things easier," I found myself whispering. I'd dropped my eyes, so I sensed rather than saw Cruz hesitate. My throat felt tight and I was sure that my heart was beating a million miles an hour. "When I'm around him, I feel like I can finally take a deep breath."
"And you don't feel that way around anyone else?" Cruz asked softly.
I shook my head. "The only time I don't feel like him is when I'm with Sam."
I didn't have to explain who “him” was. Cruz knew. Our father had dominated our world long after we’d escaped the man.
"Are you in love with him, Matias?"
I let out a rough laugh. "You're assuming I know what the fuck love is."
Cruz sighed and then he was moving even closer to me. "Tell me about Bishop."
"He's not right in the head. I knew that the minute I met him. But I fucked him anyway. Afterwards, he was so easygoing about the whole thing, about understanding that it’d been a one-time thing, that I started to doubt myself. No one had managed to do that since Dad."
"Dad made you doubt yourself?"
"He used to say that I was like him. He'd wait till I was standing over him with my fists at the ready after he'd threatened to go after you for something. He'd say, ‘See, Matias, you're just like me.’ I knew he was right. Deep down, I knew there would come a time when I couldn't control my anger. That I'd hurt someone who didn't deserve it."
"You've never done that, Matias—"
"Not with my hands, maybe. But I’ve hurt the only people who matter to me. You. Sam."
"You've never hurt me—"
"I've scared you. I've made you wonder about me—"
"I've never been afraid of you, brother. I’ve been afraid for you. You've carried too much on your shoulders for too long. You know what I realized while I was in Miami? Dad was never a real father to me, but you were. You took care of me when no one else would, Matias. You kept me safe, you made sure I had a roof over my head and food in my belly. When I was scared, you were the one I went to. When I had something exciting to share, you were the first one I wanted to tell. And when I needed to come out, I knew I could test the waters with you because you would never judge me. You would never be disappointed in me."
"No, never," I agreed. "I'm so proud of the man you've become, Cruz. Of the man you've always been."
Cruz fell silent for a moment as he held my gaze. He finally let out a breath and asked, "So you think Bishop will come here?"
"It's not the kill he wants, Cruz. It's the hunt. If he'd wanted you dead that night in the alley, you would've been dead."
Cruz was clearly confused. "Why would he leave me alive? His goal was to get to you. To get back at you for the court-martial—"
I shook my head. "That was just what he told the men he convinced to attack us both. It was the same thing with the women and girls. When I went back to question the victims, they all said the same thing. That there was one man who stood apart from the rest of them. That he only watched and that he took pleasure in that… in watching. He did the same thing that night when he had you attacked. He stayed long enough to watch me fight off the men who'd hurt you, and then he was gone. He wanted me to know that he was still out there and that he would always be watching. It was the ultimate revenge. It meant I would never have peace."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Cruz asked.
"Because there was no reason for you to live like that. To be looking over your shoulder every day for the rest of your life."
"No, I guess there wasn't. Because you were doing it for me," Cruz murmured. "I suppose it never occurred to you that maybe I could help catch the man who was so intent on hurting you?"
"If I told you the truth, would you have been able to have what you do with Elliot? Or would you have given up the chance to be with him so you could ensure his safety?" I asked. “Because it isn’t me Bishop is going to go after. It’s everyone he thinks I care about. If you’d known, would you have been able to let Elliot go?”
Cruz looked away, clearly torn by the question. It didn't matter because I knew the truth. He absolutely would've chosen Elliot's safety over having a future with him. It was something I understood all too well.
