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As I’d been talking, I dropped my eyes to where I'd been rubbing my thumb along the inside of Matias’s elbow. I lifted them to see if he was annoyed by my story, but he didn't look angry. He looked… fascinated.
"What about you?"
"What about me?" he asked.
"What was your home life like? I already know that your father hurt you and your brother. When were you able to get away from him?"
"With money as tight as it was and Cruz being so little, I couldn't really just take him away. I didn't finish high school. I dropped out when I was fifteen and got a job. Our father was spending what little money he was earning on booze. By that time, I was big enough that he knew better than to come after me. But being at work meant Cruz was vulnerable. I thought my threats would be enough to keep Cruz safe, but they weren't. It wasn't until I actually beat the shit out of dear old Dad one night after finding Cruz covered in bruises that things finally changed. Our old man left Cruz alone after that. Once Cruz was old enough, we left home. Cruz and I joined the Army. You know what happened after that."
"What about relationships?" I asked. When Matias tensed, I knew I'd overstepped, so I quickly said, "I'm sorry, Matias, we don't need to talk about this." I pulled my hand away from Matias’s because I figured he'd want to put some distance between us, but his fingers closed around mine to stop me. Instead of pulling back, he shifted even closer to me. Our bodies were aligned and our mouths were just inches from each other.
He seemed pained as he closed his eyes and said, "Yeah, we do."
Chapter 27
Matias
"There were no relationships," I said as I drew Sam even closer to me. "I hate talking about myself," I admitted. "So even if I had been in a position to pursue a relationship, it never would've worked."
"So there was never anyone special?" Sam asked.
I shook my head. "Life was about survival. That's what it's always been about. I had to survive my parents. Then it was about keeping Cruz safe and healthy. I didn't have time for attachments. I didn't want the responsibility, either. I wanted to be able to fuck a guy and then go back to the way things had been. I couldn't risk turning into him."
"Him?" Sam asked softly. "Do you mean your father?"
I closed my eyes and nodded. "I knew I was like him the first time I stood over him. I wanted to hurt him. Cruz was safe, I was safe, but I still wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to suffer and to feel pain and to be afraid like I'd been. It wasn't just about protecting myself or my brother, it was about vengeance."
"And you think that makes you like him?"
"I know it does," I said. I forced myself to open my eyes and look at Sam. It was a conversation I’d never wanted to have with him, but I knew I had no choice. "You’ve seen the rage for yourself. You’ve seen that I can't control it."
"I've seen a man who’s carried too much on his shoulders for far too long. You're allowed to be angry, Matias. You're allowed to hate the world. You're allowed to want revenge for all the terrible things that were done to you and your little brother. But tell me this. Have you ever acted on it? Have you just, out of the blue, taken that anger out on someone who didn't deserve it? Someone innocent?"
"It's only a matter of time," I murmured. I felt cold and ugly inside. I tried to pull away from Sam, but his arm snaked around my waist.
"Your brother is a good man, Matias. From what I can tell, Ronan is a good man. And I like to think that I'm a good man. That's three good men who care about you. Who don't believe for even a second that you would ever hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. Who don't believe you are anything like the man who raised you. His blood may run in your veins, just like my father's does in mine, but we are not them. Do you want to know what I think about you, Matias?" Sam asked as he brushed a kiss over my mouth.
I managed a nod.
"I think you feel everything. I think you feel it in yourself even when it isn't about you. I think you saw what your comrades did to those women and children and it was like it had been done to you. I think you saw that gun being put to Ryan's head and it was like it was against your own. That's a lot to feel, my love. It's a lot to hold in. I know you weren't allowed to feel as a child, but it's safe now. You're safe now. And you're not alone anymore. No matter what happens between us, I will always be a safe place for you."
