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But it wasn't Johnny's fault.
I’d brought this upon myself.
I sat down on the coffee table in front of Jude. When my knees brushed his, he moved them so there was no physical contact between us. It was a punch to the gut.
"Is it?" Jude asked again.
I knew what he was asking me. He’d heard the part about it being my job to keep him happy. I hadn’t even remembered that conversation I’d had with Mike until Johnny had mentioned it, but it didn’t matter. The damage had been done.
"It's true that Mike asked me to keep you happy so he could get a contract from Hayes."
Jude didn't react. At least not physically, anyway. But I knew what my words were doing to him. I knew that I might as well be cutting him with a knife for all the damage the admission was causing. Hell, a knife would have been kinder.
"Jude, what's happened between us, it has nothing to do with Mike asking me for anything. The day he asked was the day I was going to tell him that I couldn't keep watching you because I was starting to become too emotionally involved.”
Jude let out a soft chuckle that was anything but humorous. He shook his head. "You're good," he murmured. "All that shit about earning my trust…" He shook his head again.
"That was all true," I began.
"Well, it worked," Jude said softly. His voice cracked as he whispered, "I did, Nikolai. I trusted you."
Trusted, not trust.
Past tense.
I felt like I was falling down a mountainside. Rolling helplessly over sharp stone and hard dirt to an inevitable end that was coming too soon and not soon enough at the same time.
Jude got to his feet and crossed his arms around himself. He went to stand by the floor to ceiling window.
"Jude—"
"Do I get a car, Nikolai?" he asked softly. "Or some other consolation prize?"
His question pierced my heart until I was sure I would bleed out in my chest. I dropped my head in my hands because I knew there was no coming back from this. I was losing him with every second that went by and I had no idea how to stop it.
I stood up and went to his side. I dared to grab his arm so I could turn him to face me. When he tried to pull away, I refused to release him. “It was real, do you hear me?” I practically yelled. “Every fucking thing I said and did in that room”—I pointed in the direction of his bedroom—“was real, damn it!”
Jude once again tried to pull free of my hold, but I wouldn’t let him go. I wanted him to fight me. I wasn’t proud of it, but it was true. I wanted his anger because I knew I stood a chance against that. But his pain?
There was no coming back from that.
But he didn’t lash out at me. He did nothing more than stand silent in my hold. “Jude,” I croaked as I used my free hand to force him to look at me.
It was a mistake.
Such a fucking mistake.
Because his eyes were swimming in agony.
I’d done that to him.
Just me.
I released his arm as if it had burned me. Desperation shrouded me like the heaviest of cloaks. “I can’t lose you,” I whispered, not recognizing the hoarseness of my own voice. “I can’t,” I repeated, though it was more for myself than anything else because Jude had already turned away from me and was looking out the window again. My admission had no effect on him that I could see.
"You should go,” Jude murmured, his eyes still on the window.
“No,” I said simply. Hell if I was going anywhere until I fixed this.
Jude didn’t react, didn’t respond in any kind of way other than to turn his back on me and walk slowly to his bedroom. I heard rather than saw the door click shut. I started to follow him but stopped when I realized I had no idea what to do or say. Maybe he just needed time to process everything. Maybe when he looked at his bed and remembered everything we’d said and done to each other he’d see what was so clear to me.
It had been real.
I dropped down onto the couch and stared out the window. The amazing view of the city was a cruel reminder of how different we were. But my Jude didn’t belong here. He was meant to be surrounded by people who saw him for the beautiful human being that he was. His kindness, strength, creativity, loyalty, passion… how many lives could he change if he were allowed to be exactly who he was?
I still hadn’t discovered every facet of Jude’s sweet nature, but he’d already changed my life so completely. I thought I’d been happy before I’d met him but now, as I stood at the cusp of losing him forever, I knew there’d been something missing from my life for a long time. Part of me wished I could go back to that naïve state.
