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God, I’d really fucked things up. My brain had been going a million miles a minute from the time I'd left work tonight and I hadn't been able to calm myself no matter what I’d tried. There were only a few things that ever worked to settle my mind when it was so far gone.
Working out was one of them, but I'd been doing enough of that to wear out my body without having any kind of impact on my brain. That had left option number two.
Sex.
Anonymous, no strings, hard, hot sex.
I would've liked to say that Nikolai's presence hadn’t had any impact on my decision to go out, but in reality, it'd had everything to do with it. He was quickly becoming the cause of the endless bouts of crazy moments in my head. I couldn't tell if I was coming or going when I was around the man. When he was gone, I couldn't stop thinking about where he was or if he was okay. When he was on my ass all day, all I could think about was having him on my ass. Or in it, rather.
I'd been besieged by endless fantasies of him taking me in my office. I’d feel the cool glass of my desk against my belly as he pressed me down onto it and rubbed himself along my crease. His firm lips would trace a path of heat along my spine and up to my neck and then he'd whisper everything he was going to do to me in my ear. I was completely helpless and at his mercy. And my mind was blissfully quiet and focused on him.
Only him.
But there’d been no hard fuck on top of my desk. There’d only been more tension between us and the growing knowledge that Nikolai thought I was nothing more than a slut using my body to swindle an old man out of an inheritance and a job. I'd told myself I didn't care what Nikolai thought of me, but I hadn't been able to convince myself of it.
So the anxiety, frustration, and helplessness had built and built until I’d finally hit on the idea of going to the club and letting someone else take on the burden of clearing out my mind for me. Like always, the music had begun to sink into my bones as the alcohol had heated my blood, making the world start to fall away. By the time I'd moved onto the dance floor, I’d felt marginally better and hadn't been as desperate for an actual hookup as I'd been when I'd arrived.
Everyone in that club had ceased to exist except for me and Nikolai. I'd wanted him to see me. To see how I moved. To see a side of me that no one else knew about. I’d secretly wanted him to wonder about me. I wanted him to ask the right questions. But more than anything, I’d wanted him to join me on that dance floor and take what I'd been so very willing to give him.
Every piece of me.
Even if it’d all be just a temporary thing and something I’d regret in the long run, I'd wanted it as badly as my next breath.
The problem had come when I’d glanced at Nikolai and had noticed all the guys watching him. I doubted he'd even realized how much attention had been focused on him. His eyes had been on me, but I hadn't been able to read anything in his expression and I'd felt that scattering in my brain begin all over again.
As much as I'd wanted to believe that Nikolai could be that release for me, I'd had to face reality. So I’d focused on the men in my immediate vicinity that I could have and had settled on a cute little twink I hadn’t recognized. But the more I’d danced with the young man, the more I'd focused on the one I couldn't have. When I’d looked again at Nikolai, I'd seen him engrossed in conversation with Angel, a very undiscriminating guy who didn't pull his punches when going after what he wanted. The mere sight of Angel putting his hands on Nikolai had made me sick to my stomach and all that noise in my head had come rushing back. Maybe if it hadn't, I wouldn't have been so willing to allow myself to be pulled away from the main part of the dance floor by a guy who didn't believe in the word “no.”
I found myself reaching for my throat just as the SUV pulled to a stop. My fingers were on my neck when the driver opened the door and the inside of the vehicle lit up. Nikolai's eyes were like ice as he watched me, then he was out of the car. I felt cold and empty as I climbed out of the vehicle behind him. When we’d gotten in, he'd still been holding my hand. But there were no proffered fingers for me to grab onto as I got out of the vehicle. In fact, Nikolai seemed intent on not touching me as he motioned to my building's entrance.
