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Upon reaching the apartment door, we gave my colleague a quick greeting.
I was more than a little glad when Jude unlocked the door, entered the apartment and then left the door open for me to follow. I’d been expecting to fight him on letting me back into his private space.
I fully expected Jude to go to the kitchen or living room so we could talk, but he surprised me yet again and walked straight to his bedroom. I was torn on whether or not I should follow him, but my need to know that he was okay won out over giving him some privacy. He was just too quiet for my liking.
When I reached the doorway of his room, he was sitting on the bed, the little plastic bag of cars in his hands. I took a chance and walked to the bed. But instead of sitting down next to him, I stood in front of him. I was working on pure instinct and that terrified me. What if I said the wrong thing and made things worse? What if I pushed him too far? I couldn't lose him. Not now. Not after having finally gotten glimpses of the real Jude. The one my heart ached for every minute of every hour of every day.
But instinct was all I had, so I took a deep breath and let go of everything that came with the job. It wasn't Jude's body that currently needed protection. It was his mind, his heart. I reached out my hand and sifted it through Jude's silky hair. I repeated the move a few times in the hopes that it somehow told him that I was there.
I felt a sliver of relief go through me when Jude leaned forward and pressed his head against my abdomen. His whole body shuddered as he dropped the bag of cars in his lap and put both arms around my waist. No words were spoken because that wasn't what Jude needed.
Not yet.
I continued to stroke his hair as he clung to me. I didn't hear him crying, but the strength of his hold on me was proof that even if there weren’t tears on the outside, there was likely an endless waterfall of them on the inside.
I dropped my head and pressed a kiss to the top of his. I held there like that until Jude loosened his grip on me just a little bit. I couldn't say how long we stayed there for, just the two of us holding on to one another, but when Jude lowered his arms and I heard the telltale sound of the plastic bag, I eased my way around him so I could sit beside him on the bed.
Jude didn't say anything for a long time, and I didn't press him in any kind of way. I knew this was a turning point for us and that terrified me. Whatever he told me wouldn't change how I felt about him and that was what scared me. I was already losing my heart to Jude. What would happen if and when he owned it completely?
"They found me in the toy department of a Walmart," Jude said softly. His eyes remained on the cars.
“I was three. No one knew how long I'd been there for, but when the manager was locking up for the night, he found me sitting in the aisle playing with a bunch of these," Jude said as he lifted the bag just a little bit. "I don't really remember much about what happened that day. There were lots of people asking me questions. Questions I didn't have the answers to. I only knew my first name."
The pain in my chest tightened as I thought about Jude who hadn't been much older than Maks.
Being left behind like he was nothing. Who did that to their kid?
Jude opened the bag of cars and pulled out the red Porsche. "The manager gave me this car just before the people from children's services took me away." Jude set the red car on his nightstand. "After that, the car thing just followed me everywhere." Jude let out a little laugh that held no humor whatsoever. "I didn't even really like playing with cars. I’d only played with them in Walmart because I could easily reach them and open the packaging."
"What happened when children’s services took you in?" I asked.
"I learned when I was older that they’d tried to find my parents. The store had surveillance cameras. They’d shown a woman walking in with me and then walking out by herself." Jude reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out a picture. It was a still image from a surveillance camera. The image was grainy and none of the individual’s features could be made out. The brown ponytail underneath a green baseball cap and slight body type were the only giveaways that the person in the image was a woman.
