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As Nikolai hung his head next to mine, I could tell he was no better off. Harsh breaths escaped his lips as he used his hands to fumble around in his pockets for something. It wasn't until he pulled out his wallet that I had an inkling of what he was looking for. The sight of the condom and packet of lube being removed from the wallet had my insides dancing.
I knew I could still stop all of this if I wanted to. Truthfully, there was a tiny part of me that did want to stop because I knew that once this happened, once I felt Nikolai inside me, I’d never be able to let him go. I’d already lost so much of my heart to the man. Was I really prepared to lose the rest of it? He’d said he needed me, but I knew it had just been something spoken in the heat of the moment.
So it really all boiled down to a simple choice. I could have him tonight and face the consequences tomorrow, or I could spend the rest of my life wondering what it would've been like to be with the man I was falling in love with in every way that mattered.
My decision was made for me when I saw how Nikolai's fingers shook as he tried to tear the condom packet open. I covered his hand with mine then leaned into him and whispered, "Just breathe, sweetheart."
I wasn't sure if I'd overstepped my bounds, both by interrupting the process and by the use of the endearment, but after several long beats, Nikolai nodded and then leaned in to brush his mouth over mine in the softest of kisses.
"Sorry," he whispered.
We were both still panting hard, and under normal circumstances, I would've been aghast at the prospect of sitting naked on my own vanity as I desperately waited to get fucked. But something about all of this was different. It was in the way that Nikolai held himself during the momentary show of nerves. These would be the moments that I would remember for the rest of my life. When the time came where I did see my life flash before me, this memory would be right at the top of the list. Not the off-the-charts sex that was sure to follow, but the few seconds where I got to see that the man I was so quickly falling for was just as human as me.
"Wanted to go slower," Nikolai admitted. He motioned in the direction of the shower. I found myself smiling as I realized he’d planned for us to start off in the shower. Hell, maybe he hadn’t planned for us to have sex at all. “Wanted it to be perfect,” he added.
I leaned forward and brushed my mouth against his. “It is, Nikolai."
I lifted one hand to the back of his neck so I could take control of our kisses. I used the other hand to ease the condom and lube from his fingers. Nikolai immediately stepped forward and kissed me back and then settled his hands on my waist. I took my time just indulging in the perfection of his mouth. I had no clue how much time passed before I felt Nikolai's fingertips biting into my hips as his kisses turned more desperate, hungrier.
Nikolai tore his mouth from mine and looked down at the condom and lube I still had in my hand.
“Put it on me," he said, his voice both demanding and desperate at the same time.
As I fumbled with the condom packet, I tried to remind myself that this was a one-time thing and after tonight, everything would go back to normal.
But I knew it was a lie because there was no going back.
I had no idea what tomorrow would bring but for once, I didn’t care. I only cared about the man standing before me. The one who made me feel needed with one touch. The one who made me feel wanted with just one word.
The one who made me… enough.
Chapter 21
Nikolai
I really had had good intentions when I’d started this whole thing. My plan had been for us to take a long, comforting shower, preferably one that would’ve finished with a hand job, followed by a night spent with Jude wrapped in my arms as he slept while I tried to digest all the things he’d told me.
I certainly hadn't intended to fuck Jude for the first time on the vanity in his bathroom. If he’d exhibited any hesitation at all, I might've been able to dial it back a notch or two or fifty and follow through with my original plan. But when Jude's masterful fingers had begun teasing me, seduction had gone out the window and possession had come in like a raging winter storm. That had led to the terrible fear that I would somehow mess this up for Jude which had overtaken everything else, including the joy of just being with him. When it had become clear that I actually needed help getting the damn condom open, let alone on, I was certain I’d lost any chance with the beautiful man before me, but thankfully, all I’d lost was a little bit of the assurance that I was the suave lover he deserved. Hell, at the rate things were going, I wasn’t sure I could hold out long enough to be a competent one.
