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So even without the emotional meltdown, I should've been itching to get Nikolai out of my place, out of my sanctuary. I couldn't let myself think about what any of it meant.
“Where did you go just now?” Nikolai asked.
I responded with a shake of my head because I had absolutely no desire to talk about it.
But Nikolai either didn’t notice my silent message or he chose to ignore it. Since the man could read me like a book, I figured it was the latter because he simply said, “You loved her.”
I kept my eyes on the cars as I nodded and murmured, "I did. She was the closest thing I had to family. She died shortly before I got my GED. When I turned eighteen, I was no longer the state’s problem. There was some kind of screw up with my Social Security number, so I had to get a new one. I saw it as an opportunity."
“To be reborn."
Nikolai's comment was more of a statement than a question.
"Yeah," I said. “Patricia changed my life. She made it possible to have a real one. I told myself I was using her last name as some kind of homage to her, you know?"
"But it was more than that," he suggested.
"Yeah, it was."
Nikolai rested his head on my shoulder as he said, "I get it, Jude. She was someone you wanted to keep close to you. You thought of her as a mother."
It took several long seconds for me to collect myself enough to say, "I just wish I’d thought of it sooner so I could have asked her if it was okay to use her name. I mean, it seemed like she cared about me and she didn’t have any family of her own but—"
"She would've been honored, Jude," Nikolai interrupted. His lips skimmed my shoulder before he added, "Don't ever doubt that."
“You didn't even know her," I responded.
“I didn't have to," Nikolai said. "I know you."
His words made my insides wind tightly around themselves. The man was killing me. He’d already ruined me for sex with other guys. I couldn't imagine anyone ever measuring up in that department. But it was when he made little observations out of the blue that were spot on that I knew he was ruining me in so many other ways.
“So how did Patricia prove to you that you could have it all?” Nikolai asked.
“Forcefully,” I said, surprised by the little chuckle that bubbled up in my throat.
Nikolai’s chest rumbled behind me. “Tell me,” he said.
“As soon as I met her, I pretty much told her she couldn't help me. That I was too screwed up. I didn't want to do the exercises that would help my dyslexia and I wasn't interested in getting on any medication for the ADHD because I didn’t like the side effects. I told her I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to get out of the custody of the state and live my life. I had no clue what that life would look like, but I guess I didn't really care about that either."
I paused as I thought back to those days when I'd been walking such a fine line between life and death.
"Stubborn old bat never gave up on me," I whispered, then explained, “She wore me down enough that I decided it was better just to play along. I figured she'd see soon enough that none of what she was showing me would work and then she’d give up on me like everyone else had. I was years behind in my education for my age. I basically had to start with reading books for kindergartners. Even those were painful. I spent hours on those damn things using the tools she taught me, but the ADHD made it so hard to concentrate."
"I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for you," Nikolai said. His voice was filled with sadness rather than pity which made it easier to continue.
“She helped me get on medication that didn't make me feel so confused all the time and that didn’t have harsh side effects. But it was still hard. So fucking hard," I said with a shake of my head. The memories of how many hours I’d spent reading the simplest of words in the silliest of children's books left me cold.
"But then one day something just happened and I was able to read a book from cover to cover without having to stop. It still took a really long time and was hard as hell, but it felt like I'd won some kind of lottery. Patricia kept hugging me and telling me how proud she was of me. She couldn’t stop crying but she said they were happy tears… happy tears for me, Nikolai. I guess I had won the lottery."
