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I clung to him and willed the noise in my head away. Until that moment, it hadn’t even occurred to me that I hadn’t heard that ringing in several days… not since I’d told Nikolai the truth about my cars.
How had that happened? What the hell did it even mean?
Nikolai’s fingers tightened on mine. I glanced at him and saw him watching me with concern.
It made me want to cry. This gorgeous, sweet, kind, loyal, amazing man had given up so much for everyone around him, including me—especially me—and I couldn’t give him anything in return. Even now he was more concerned about me than himself. What had I done to deserve it? If I didn’t know what I’d done to earn that kind of loyalty, how could I keep from fucking it all up? How could I keep from losing him?
You’re just a job, remember, Jude?
The insidious voice was like a bomb going off inside of me but as Nikolai pulled me into his side and brushed his lips against my temple, I did something I’d never had the strength to do before.
I told the voice to fuck off.
I wasn’t just a job to Nikolai.
I wasn’t.
Chapter 25
Nikolai
I couldn't hide my exhaustion as the elevator made its way up to Jude's apartment. Jude seemed to be in the same boat because he was leaning back against the opposite wall and had his eyes closed.
It had been a rough afternoon with Maks. My nephew had ended up having several ups and downs in the few hours that Jude and I had taken care of him. There’d been a combination of tears and laughter on Maks’s part that had left the little boy and us completely wiped out by the time Elena had finished up in the shop.
While I probably could've handled watching Maks by myself, having Jude there had made it a thousand times easier. He’d spent hours building things out of everyday household items to entertain Maks and it had worked.
My parents had ended up convincing us to stay for a light dinner, though my mother had played it smart with the request and had plied Jude with her best you’ll disappoint me if you don’t stay and he’d fallen for it, hook, line, and sinker. Dinner had been a quieter affair than the last time Jude had eaten with us but seeing him at my mother's table interacting with my family had been more proof that he belonged there.
That he belonged with me.
As I watched Jude rest against the wall of the elevator, that familiar need inside of me began to grow. The need that was so much more than physical. I couldn’t describe it in any other way than not feeling whole unless I was around him.
I pushed away from the wall. Jude opened his eyes to watch my approach but didn't move. As I came to a stop before him, there were a thousand things I wanted to say to him. More than anything, I wanted to tell him how madly in love with him I'd fallen, but I knew those words were very likely to send him running. Hell, they scared the shit out of me.
So I didn't say anything at all and instead leaned down and brushed a kiss over his right cheek. I let my lips linger for a moment before I kissed the left one. Jude let out a little sigh and then his fingers were searching out mine. I was aware of the elevator beeps in the background that told me we were close to his floor, so when I did finally press a kiss to his mouth, I kept it brief.
When the elevator came to a stop, I was forced to step back from Jude. He dropped my hand which bothered me more than I wanted to admit, though I knew why he’d done it.
I never showed him affection when other people were around unless it was my family. From the moment I'd touched Jude, I’d broken a cardinal rule of my profession.
Don’t get emotionally involved with the client.
How many times had I repeated that message to the guys I worked with?
I was a hypocrite and I knew it. And yet, I couldn't walk away from him. Sure, I could've found someone skilled enough to keep him safe while I pursued a relationship with Jude, but I didn't want anyone else watching him. I wanted it to be me. I wanted to spend every moment with him that I could. I was certain that no one could protect him like I could. However, if one of my guys had come to me with the exact same dilemma, I would have told them there was a reason we didn’t get emotionally involved with our charges… emotion meant lack of objectivity and that meant mistakes.
