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"I'm okay," I said. I didn't want him to think for a second that what had happened between Xavier and myself had hurt me in any kind of way, at least physically. And I wasn't in any position emotionally to admit the parts that had hurt.
Uncle Curtis seemed to take pity on me because he said, "I guess we should be headed to bed. I found another box in the coat closet."
I laughed because even if he wasn't joking, it was just too funny not to react. "Great," I said with a grin. "I was almost making too much progress. Wouldn't want that."
"No, we wouldn't." Uncle Curtis chuckled and patted my hand, then he stood and took the tray and mugs to the sink. I watched him carefully clean Del's mug before lovingly returning it to the tray. The tears started to threaten all over again as I thought about the pain my uncle must've been in over the years as he’d had to adjust to life without the man he’d loved.
I hurried up to my room and into the bathroom. I climbed into the shower and got it going, not caring that I was still wearing my sweats. The second the water was loud enough to cover my sobs, I let go.
I let my back slide down the shower wall as I cried for Uncle Curtis and for Del.
I cried for Xavier too.
And even when it felt like there were no more tears left, I cried some more, but this time for myself and the foolish child I'd once been.
I knew I needed to figure out how to open my eyes to all the shades of gray that were being violently thrown in my path, but I was truly terrified that it might already be way too late for that.
Chapter 10
Xavier
I heard him long before I saw him, and I knew by the slow fall of his footsteps what our conversation would be like. It was strange that I was already so in tune with Brooks. Our relationship as kids had been relatively simple and straightforward. He'd had a crush on me and I’d packed away the burgeoning feelings I'd had for him. It was no different now, though I doubted he had any kind of crush on me.
I dreaded the "morning after" talk, but I deserved it for the way I'd sent him away. I hadn't even ever been that cold with my random hookups. But what was I supposed to tell him? That it had been the most amazing sex I’d ever had? That I'd already started to miss him while he’d still been in the room? That for the first time in my life, I’d wanted a lover to stay and try to hold them through the night, even though I’d known it wasn't possible?
No, I needed to continue to send the clear message that what we’d done the night before had been nothing, had meant nothing. The Brooks I’d known as a kid would read too much into it. Hopefully the man who’d returned to Eden would be of the same mind as myself. That it had been a good fuck and nothing more.
I wondered if he’d need to lie to himself like I was working so hard to do.
I kept my back to the stall door as I ran the brush over Millie's body. Her foal had already grown quite a bit in the week since he’d been born. They'd soon be returning to the main herd, though they’d spend their evenings in the stall to make sure the baby was protected from any kind of predators.
"Do you have a second?"
His voice wasn't as timid as I expected, but there was definitely a certain level of hesitation in it. I glanced over my shoulder at him. He was standing stiffly in the stall door, a piece of paper in his hand. I could see the question in his eyes. The one about last night. Since I didn't have any answers for what had happened last night, that was a question that would just have to go unanswered.
I resisted the urge to ask him if he was okay, if I'd hurt him, if I'd been too rough with him. But the rules of one-night stands were that you didn't talk about them. You didn't check to make sure your lover was okay, or tell them how badly you still wanted them. That even now, you needed to be inside of them more than you needed to breathe. That just touching them, hearing their voice, tasting their sweetness would be enough to get you through your day until you could be together again.
"What can I do for you?" I asked. I turned back to Millie so I wouldn't be tempted to try and read any of Brooks's body language.
