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"I'm sorry, son," Curtis said. "I wasn't here when he got home, but he left this note saying he had something he needed to do. It says he'll be back," Curtis added hopefully.
Something inside of me turned cold. Colder than it'd been the day I’d been sentenced to twenty years in prison. I didn't have the heart to tell Curtis his nephew wouldn't be back or why he’d left in the first place. Brooks had seen firsthand today what our life would be like if he stayed in Wyoming. And if that hadn't been enough, the reminder that he was involved with his own father's supposed would-be killer would've been enough to send him packing. In my heart, I knew Brooks had returned to New York and the life that was the safer bet than being with me.
I nodded my head and might have said something to Curtis, but I couldn't be sure. The noise in my mind was too loud to process anything except for the simple fact that Brooks was gone. It was just like it had been ten years ago. He’d been there one moment and gone the next.
I left the main house and made my way to the foreman's house. When I reached it, I realized I didn't want to go in. It was the place that Brooks and I had been together for the first time.
He’s really gone.
I turned around and went to the barn and saddled Grover up. The sun had just fallen behind the horizon, so it wasn't exactly the smartest thing I'd ever done when I kicked Grover into a gallop and headed to the trail leading up the mountain. I spurred Grover on and on until he was in a dead run. Trees whipped at my face, ripping my skin. I could feel something warm trickling down my cheeks, but I wasn't sure if it was blood or tears. I didn't really care either way.
How had I let this happen? How had I let myself fall in love with Brooks? I didn't even know when it had happened.
The anger and rage that I should've been feeling wasn't really there. It was just this bone-deep loss. I felt like my body was being ripped in two, the pain was so bad. Grover couldn’t run fast enough to escape it.
I pulled the horse to a stop and practically fell off his back. I hit the ground hard but even that didn't dull the pain in my chest. Sounds I didn't recognize tore free of my throat. The sobs grew into agonized cries as I stumbled to my feet and began walking, hoping that somehow the darkness would swallow me up.
I ran blindly into trees and tripped over fallen logs as I walked, but nothing took away the tearing sensation that I was sure should have the power to stop my heart entirely. I dropped to my knees on the ground because there was no point in trying to outrun any of it. It wasn't going to go anywhere. I finally understood that strange sadness I'd always seen in Curtis's eyes. Even when he laughed, it'd been there. I got it now. It was there because even when he found joy in something, the one person he wanted to share it with was gone.
I wanted to undo it.
The falling in love with Brooks thing.
I wanted to go back to before he’d shown up. No, I wanted to go back to when we’d been kids so I could ignore the strange boy who’d followed me around and looked at me like I was some goddamn hero. Everything else would've been easy after that. I’d survived prison. I could deal with the people around me looking at me like I was nothing better than a murderer. I could even accept that my mother would always look at me with fearful eyes. But I didn't know how to live without Brooks. How did you survive without your other half?
I wasn't sure how long I sat there for, but after a while I didn't even have the energy to cry anymore. I couldn't move and I didn't want to. The sounds of the forest started to come alive around me as the inhabitants recovered from my presence. I wondered if some wolf or mountain lion would come upon me and end this pain.
But it wasn't a predator who found me. It was Grover. I hadn't even realized the horse had followed me into the dense woods until he nudged my back. I waved my hand at him and yelled, "Go! Go home, Grover!"
The horse jumped a bit when I waved my hands at him, but he didn't turn and take off through the trees like I expected. There was only enough moonlight to make out his shape, and nothing more. He nudged me again, which just set me off even more. I climbed to my feet and screamed at him to leave me alone and then I waved my arms erratically. Grover jumped back, but he still didn't run. Shame crawled through me for how I was treating the loyal horse, but I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to go back to any place that Brooks would never be again, especially the ranch. I'd see him everywhere now.
