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His eyes twinkled as he caressed my face with his other hand. “I think we may need to practice that a few more times to make sure I get it just right.”
I was still reeling from the powerful kiss, so all I could manage was a nod. Nolan gently extricated himself from my grasp and returned to his spot on the couch. He reached for his wine glass and took another sip. My eyes were fastened on his mouth as he licked at his lips. When my eyes met his, I saw such warmth in them that it made my insides hurt.
Regret suddenly began clawing at my insides and I was reaching for the tablet before I could stop myself.
I’m sorry, Nolan. For everything.
He looked at me in confusion. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Dallas. You gave me a job when no one else would-”
I waved my hand impatiently.
I should have stopped it. I should have said something, but I was a coward. I knew if I defended you, everyone would turn on me.
Nolan stiffened as he finally realized what I was talking about. He set his wine glass down and then fisted his hand against his stomach. I felt tears sting my eyes for ruining this perfect moment between us. But this conversation had been a long time coming.
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to upset you by bringing it all back, but you’re such an amazing man, Nolan, and I’m not. I don’t want you to let me off the hook for what I did back then.
“I understand,” he murmured. “High school was a tough time for all of us-”
I grabbed his arm so he’d look at me and shook my head violently.
No! Don’t make excuses for me or for what any of us did to you.
His armor finally began to crack. “Why are you doing this?” he whispered, his voice breaking just a bit.
Because I don’t deserve you. You were always so much better than me, Nolan. Than this town. I was so glad when you got out.
“I should go,” Nolan said as he tried to get to his feet.
I grabbed his arm and shook my head. I pointed at him and then my chest.
“I don’t understand,” he said. “I don’t understand what you want from me.”
I waited until I was sure he wouldn’t try to run and then typed out my message.
I want you to tell me how you felt in school…how I made you feel. I want you to say the things you should have been able to say back then. I want to hear you, Nolan!
His eyes shot to mine. Tears began streaking down his face. “Hear me?” he croaked. “No one hears me, Dallas! If they had, they would have-”
He shook his head and tried to get up again. But I refused to release him. I ended up typing with one hand.
Would have what, Nolan? Tell me.
He turned away from me, but the anguish on his face was hard to miss. “Would have stopped it. Would have seen what it was doing to me…”
His eyes shifted to me and the raw emotion was like a punch to the gut. No, it was like a goddamn battering ram.
“It was worse, you know?” he said softly. “What you and everyone else did.”
The tears I’d been trying to stem fell unheeded down my face. I nodded to him, but didn’t pick up the tablet to respond.
It was his turn to speak.
“Jimmy, Doug, the rest of those guys – that’s who they were. Throwing eggs at me or tripping me in the hallway…that was just who they were…who they probably still are. But you, the other kids, the teachers, my parents…you had to know I wasn’t really that strong. That I was dying inside…”
My throat hurt so bad it was hard to breathe. I managed another nod, but it was so fucking inadequate.
Nolan wiped at his eyes. “So yeah, I had to pretend I was strong because the alternative was swallowing a bottle full of my mother’s sleeping pills or sitting in my father’s car in the garage with the door closed and the motor running.”
I let out a harsh sob at that, though it came out sounding more like a grunt than anything else. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around Nolan’s body. I pressed my mouth to his ear and for the first time in years, began saying the words I’d wanted to for so long.
Since the first time Nolan Grainger had looked at me with that silent plea in his eyes.
Despite the fact that there was no sound to accompany my words, Nolan relaxed against me. I pulled him back against the couch cushions so that he was pressed up against my chest. His hand was resting over my heart. I waited until his body settled on mine, then pulled out the tablet and typed out the words he hadn’t been able to hear.
