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I tried to force it away, but Maddox must have noticed something in my expression because his hand slipped from beneath the underwear and lifted to tip my chin up so I was forced to look him in the eye.
“What?” he asked. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I shook my head because it was too humiliating and because I was afraid of how he’d respond.
“Is it because I didn’t touch you here?” he asked as he dropped his hand and brushed the backs of his fingers along my shaft. I cried out at how good it felt to have the silky material pressing against my sensitive flesh beneath the pressure of his hand. He was still holding my hands, so I couldn’t even really move toward his hand to get him to do it again.
“Talk to me, Isaac,” he demanded, then he did the move again.
I was panting when I blurted, “I’m not… I’m not a woman.”
“I’m well aware of that,” Maddox said, his voice completely serious. He straightened so our chests were touching. His lips gently brushed mine.
“No, I mean…”
What did I mean?
I shook my head because it was all just so pathetic, and I was mad at myself for ruining the moment. But Maddox didn’t seem particularly fazed because he began nibbling along the edge of my jaw.
“You don’t want to be a woman,” Maddox murmured. “And you don’t want me to pretend you are one.”
Shame curled through me. “There’s nothing wrong with people who want that,” I whispered.
“No, there isn’t. Even if you were transgender, Isaac, we’d still be having some kind of conversation about how we could be together.”
“We would?” I asked in surprise.
He sighed and looked me straight in the eyes. “I don’t want to make love to just your body, Isaac. I want to make love to you.” His fingers stroked over my hair as his eyes seemed to search my face. “Tell me why you wear them,” he said as he motioned with his eyes to the underwear.
I shook my head because I couldn’t tell him that.
“Is it because they make you feel confident?”
I swallowed hard and nodded. “And beautiful,” I admitted.
“You are beautiful in them, Isaac. What else?”
“Soft,” I whispered. “I feel soft when I wear them.”
“And you think that’s wrong somehow?”
God, how had we ended up on this topic? I was sitting practically naked on the lap of the most gorgeous man I’d ever known and instead of him fucking me ten ways to Sunday, he was trying to dissect the jumble that was my brain.
“Why is it wrong?” Maddox pressed.
“Because I can’t be soft,” I admitted. “I… I have to be strong.”
“So being soft means being weak?”
“No,” I said softly.
Maddox was quiet for a moment and then said, “Being soft means being vulnerable.”
I didn’t answer him, but I didn’t have to.
He knew he’d gotten it right.
Maddox’s fingers began running up and down my side. The touch had my libido returning.
“Let’s make a deal, okay?”
I nodded because what else could I do? Despite how embarrassed I was, I wanted him more than ever. I wanted to be with him more than ever.
In any way I could.
“When it’s just you and me, you can be all the things you can’t be when you’re taking care of Newt or looking over your shoulder for whatever it is you’re running from or when you’re fighting battles you’re not ready to let me fight with you. Sexy underwear or granny panties, doesn’t matter.”
I couldn’t help but smile at the last part of his comment. “I’d turn you on in granny panties?” I asked.
Maddox smiled and kissed me. His mouth hovered against mine as he whispered, “Baby, you turn me on just by breathing.” He kissed me again and kept kissing me until I was once again pliant in his hold. Not once during our talk had he released my hands and I found myself completely okay with that. I’d never liked when tricks got off on controlling me, especially using any kind of restraints, but this was so very different.
First off, it was Maddox who was doing it.
Second, I was the one getting off on it. Probably more than he was. Like the underwear, I felt free and open and powerful, even though I had no control. And that warmth was there in spades. Whenever I put the underwear on just for a few minutes, or even thought about it, I got a taste of that warmth that came with finally being allowed to be the real me, the complete me, even if it was just for such a short amount of time.
Unfortunately, that feeling never lasted.
With Maddox, I just knew that every time we came together like this, that warmth would be there.
It was like I could finally breathe.
I sighed as Maddox’s mouth moved down my neck and over my chest. His sinful tongue toyed with my nipples as his hand once again began exploring the fabric of my underwear. He didn’t touch my cock, but I got the idea the move was deliberate.
