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I nodded.
Maddox’s fingers were alternating between stroking over my hip and petting Snotrod, who was tucked up between us. The little kitten was thriving under Maddox’s care and he actually brought him with him every day when he came to the sanctuary. The baby usually spent the day either in my lap as I worked on the computer or with Nolan as he was dealing with the center’s endless paperwork. For whatever reason, the kitten seemed to love the time it spent tucked inside of Maddox’s parka as he walked to and from his house. Dallas had driven Maddox home a couple of times when the weather had gotten particularly dicey, but he still struggled with being in a car.
“I knew in my gut something was off, but I didn’t listen to it. I chose to listen to my commanding officer instead. The bomb took out the Humvee behind us, killing everyone instantly. The Humvee I was in flipped. Those who weren’t killed in the blast instantly fought the few insurgents who ambushed us. They managed to kill them all, but most of my guys were wounded in the process. I missed all of it because the blast knocked me out cold. When I came to, I was lying on one side of the vehicle. One of my men’s bodies was on top of me–I think he’d been trying to drag me to safety. I managed to get to my knees. All I could hear was this pounding. Over and over. It was so loud, but that’s all it was. Just pounding…”
Maddox’s voice broke and I quickly covered his hand with mine where it was resting on Snot’s back. I linked our fingers and began rubbing my thumb back and forth over his skin.
“I started checking the bodies to see if any of my guys were alive. I managed to call for help, but they were all dead. But the pounding wouldn’t stop. I finally managed to crawl around to the other side of the overturned Humvee and that’s when I saw him.” Maddox’s eyes sheened over with tears. “He was fucking pinned beneath the thing.”
“Who?” I asked gently.
“Jett.” Maddox shook his head. “He’d been using the butt of his machine gun to pound on the roof of the Humvee. I thought the pounding was in my head. Maybe if I hadn’t ignored it for those couple of minutes…”
“You know a couple of minutes wouldn’t have changed the outcome,” I said. I didn’t even know what that outcome was, but there was no doubt in my mind that from what he’d told me, he’d been completely helpless in that situation and if the other man had been pinned beneath a vehicle that had to easily weigh five thousand pounds, if not more, there was little he could have done, no matter the circumstances.
“Did you lose him?” I asked.
He shook his head. “We got him evac’d. But the doctors couldn’t save his legs below the knee. When he woke up and found out, he just…” Maddox shook his head. “It was like he died in that moment, I guess.”
“What happened to him?”
“I was discharged after about a week in the hospital. I went to see him and found out he’d… he’d tried to slit his wrists. He’d been transferred to a psych ward and restrained and heavily medicated because he was threatening to do it again. I lost it. I tore the place up until I myself had to be restrained and sedated. It was my fault—”
“It wasn’t,” I tried to interject, but Maddox just shook his head again.
“It was. I should have followed my gut. I should have—”
I kissed him to silence him. “It’s not your fault, Maddox,” I said softly.
He didn’t respond, but he didn’t try to push me away either. When he’d calmed down, I asked, “Where’s Jett now?”
“Oklahoma. He lives with his grandmother. I haven’t seen him since we got back to the states a few months ago. I call and text, but he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m… I’m worried he’s going to try it again when his grandmother passes. He’s all she has, so I think that’s keeping him from hurting himself for now, but he’s refusing to do physical therapy or get fitted for prosthetics and he’s not getting any kind of counseling. As far as he’s concerned, his life is over. I want to go check on him, but I’m afraid it’ll just make things worse.”
I didn’t really know what to say, so I just held him and murmured, “I’m sorry, Maddox.”
It was a good while later when I looked at my phone and saw it was well after two in the morning. Maddox had fallen asleep with his face tucked against my neck. Snotrod was curled up under his chin. I moved my hand up to ease the kitten off my shoulder and onto the sleeping bag as I began to get up, but Maddox’s big arm tightened on my waist.
