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“Jimmy was my precious little boy,” my mother whispered. “But I knew early on there was something that wasn’t quite right with him. I… I ignored it. I pretended he was perfect. And then you were born and you were so different from Jimmy. You were a sweet baby. You never caused any trouble, you rarely got sick, you learned things very quickly… you grew into such a kind child and people kept remarking how perfect you were. I… I couldn’t understand why God had given me a child like Jimmy and he’d given Grace…” My mother hesitated. “I always tried to do everything right. I thought God would reward me for it…”
My mother finally gave up and just shook her head. I felt pity for her and part of me might have even understood her thinking, but it didn’t undo anything for me. I’d been the child, she’d been the adult.
I shouldn’t have had to pay for Jimmy’s shortcomings.
Simple as that.
“When you went to stay with Grace that summer, she called me to tell me she was going to keep you with her… that you’d be better off with her. She was convinced she could take care of you. She loved you very much, Ford.”
That caught my attention. “What?”
“Despite all her troubles, she always wanted to know how you were doing as a little boy. She asked for pictures. I would send them to her, but I told her she couldn’t talk to you or come visit because it would just confuse you. When she called me that summer and said she was going to talk to a lawyer about getting you back, I just… I couldn’t let her win.”
“Win?” I whispered. “I wasn’t some fucking consolation prize.”
“No,” my mother agreed. “No, you weren’t. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t let you go.”
“Let me go? You didn’t want me. You sent me away! You told me the devil was inside me.”
“I wanted my perfect little boy back!” my mother blurted.
I shook my head in disbelief. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
My mother let out a choked cry, then covered her mouth as if the display of emotion was unseemly. “I told Grace that if she didn’t send you back, we’d put you in one of those camps like the boy you were with that day.”
Theo.
She was talking about Theo.
“And if she did send me back?” I asked.
“We told her you’d get one-on-one counseling with Reverend Page. She agreed.”
I felt my throat close up as understanding dawned. I’d believed my aunt Grace had abandoned me. I hadn’t made any effort to find her after that, even as an adult, because I’d believed what my mother had wanted me to believe.
“Mrs. Sullivan, you need to get off our property before I forget that it’s wrong to hit a lady. Because you’re barely that,” Cam growled. He put his arm around my waist.
My mother nodded. “You’re right, I’m sorry.” To me she said, “I should have let your stepfather bring that to you, but I just wanted to…”
“What?” I asked. “What could you have possibly hoped to gain by coming here? Redemption? Absolution? Forgiveness?”
My mother shook her head. “No. I know I can’t make peace with you for what I’ve done, Ford. But…” She lifted her eyes. “Do you remember the story of King Solomon? He ordered two women claiming to be the mother of the same child to cut the child in half… the true mother was revealed when she was willing to give up the child to save him.” My mother reached out to touch the piece of paper in my hand. “She didn’t always make the best decisions,” my mother whispered. “But she was best at loving you.”
With that, my mother turned and went around the car and got into the passenger seat. My stepfather looked up at me and sent me a solemn smile as he turned the car around. My mother didn’t look back.
“Ford,” Cam began, but I shook my head.
“I’m okay, Cam. I promise,” I said as I looked at him. “I just… I don’t know what do with this yet. Can you hang onto it for me?” I asked as I handed him the piece of paper. I needed time to process everything and I knew that when I was ready to talk it out, Cam would be right there to listen.
He took the paper and then leaned down to kiss me. “I’m in awe of you, Ford.”
I smiled against his mouth. “I like how you awe me, Cam.”
He chuckled and whispered, “I’m going to awe the hell out of you tonight, sweetheart.”
I sighed and wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back and we didn’t separate until we heard another car coming down the driveway. “If it’s my mother again—”
“It’s not,” Cam said softly. “It’s him.”
