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“So what happened to you and Theo?”
“We fought about it a lot, but I couldn’t stay away from him. He felt the same. One day about three months after our relationship had changed, we were meeting up where we usually did – this little shed where they stored athletic equipment at his school. We’d talked about doing more than just kissing and that day we started trying some other stuff. Theo was really passionate and I really liked that. We’d take turns being in control and sometimes we got a little rough with each other but it was stuff like… like…”
“I get it,” I said when Ford’s voice became tinted with humiliation. “What happened?” I asked. “Did he get too rough with you?”
“No,” Ford croaked. “Nothing like that.”
He voice was thick with emotion, so I ran my fingers through his hair to try and soothe him. I could feel dampness against my chest. “It’s okay, baby, you don’t have to tell me.”
“I do… I do.”
“Okay. Just take your time. I’m not going anywhere,” I responded as calmly as I could because Ford was getting more and more worked up.
“Jimmy walked in on us that day. I guess he’d started to get suspicious about me and Theo because we were spending so much time together. Jimmy had been accusing me for a long time of being a ‘sissy’ and a ‘queer.’ I knew what he’d do to me if he found out he was right. When he saw us like that, with Theo on his knees in front of me, pulling my pants down, all I heard were all the times Jimmy had threatened to kill me because he wasn’t going to have a ‘fag’ for a brother. I pushed Theo away. Theo didn’t see Jimmy so he started to ask me what was wrong and tried to touch me. I… I hit him.”
Ford let out a sob. “I hit him two more times until he fell to the ground and then I kicked him and called him a… a…”
Ford’s voice cracked and then he was trying to pull away from me. But I refused to let him go. He struggled against me but didn’t lash out physically to force me to release him, though he most certainly could have because he was definitely strong enough.
“Shhhh, just take a breath,” I urged.
Ford let out a choking sound and covered his eyes. “I told Theo he was a sick fuck and to never try and mess with me again. Theo started crying but Jimmy, he just looked… proud or something. I wanted to die right there. I knew I was just like him… that whatever was in his blood that made him so cruel and ugly was in mine too.”
“What happened to Theo?” I asked. I couldn’t deny that I was shocked by what Ford had told me, but I didn’t believe for a second that he was anything like his brother.
Ford’s voice sounded empty as he said, “I don’t know. I left him there. I never saw him again after that. I ran out of there and went to my car. I just started driving because I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I… I didn’t care, either. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to go back to check on Theo. I just wanted to forget how he’d looked at me and the way he’d whispered my name and the sound of his sobs.” Ford shook his head. “But I couldn’t forget. I couldn’t.”
“What did you do?” I asked.
“Just drove until I ran out of gas. I stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank. When I went inside to pay for the gas, I saw these cases of beer sitting by the front door. It looked like they’d just been delivered. The cashier was on the other side of the store putting more of the cases in the refrigerators. I just grabbed one and left. I didn’t pay for the gas either. I started driving again but as I was reaching for one of the cans of beer, I saw police lights in my rearview mirror. I just… I completely freaked. I thought they were going to tell me that Theo was dead and I’d killed him and I just wanted to die myself. I sped up.”
I closed my eyes because I could envision a terrified sixteen-year-old Ford behind the wheel of a car. I’d seen plenty of accidents involving dumb kids who’d thought outrunning the cops was better than getting in trouble. Many of those kids had lost their own lives or killed innocent people in the process. I remembered Ford’s comment about hurting someone besides Theo. Part of me didn’t want to hear anymore, but the other part knew it was something we needed to deal with… that he needed to deal with.
