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“I do.”
“A lot?”
I hesitated, unsure of how much I should say. I didn’t know Abby, not really. She was sweet and funny, and she reminded me so much of Logan. But could I actually be real with her and tell her the truth?
“More than I’ve ever cared about a man,” I finally said. Nothing good could come from lying to her. I needed to be honest with Abby. With myself.
She gave me a soft smile. It was one of empathy, a look that told me she knew exactly how I felt. I didn’t know her whole story with Knox, but I knew they’d had their fair share of struggles along the way.
I was about to speak again when she reached out and squeezed my hand. “Scared?”
“Terrified.” I laughed.
“When I first moved home, you know, after everything happened, I kind of made it my duty to not let anything happen between me and Knox. But he was so… charming. And pushy. I was terrified of letting myself fall for him again. I was scared to trust him.”
“But?” I pushed when she stopped talking and stared off into space, in a daze as she thought about her boyfriend.
“But trusting him was the best decision I ever made. He protects me, makes me laugh. Whenever we get in a fight he brings me my favorite muffin from this little cafe in town.”
I laughed, amused at the thought of tough guy Knox strolling into the house with a muffin in his hand and his tail between his legs. But I had to admit, the gesture was sweet and, based on the faraway look on Abby’s face, it clearly meant something to her.
“Things really worked out for you, huh?”
“Yeah, but it didn’t happen overnight. It took months of nightmares, arguments, and panic attacks before I could let myself be happy. Sometimes I still find myself looking over my shoulder when I know no one is there. But every night that I go to sleep next to Knox, I feel like I won.”
Strength radiated off Abby in waves. She should feel like she won. That bastard stalker was rotting away in prison and she was living her life to the fullest, not missing out on a single day. She’d been pushed to her limits and still managed to bounce back stronger and better than ever. It was admirable.
“You definitely won.”
She looked at me then, her eyebrows furrowed as she opened and closed her mouth a few times. It looked like she was trying to find something to say. “Juliette, I won’t act like I know you. Right now you’re a beautiful, compassionate redhead that seems to have my brother wrapped around her finger. I was terrified of loving Knox, but I mean it when I say trusting him was the best decision I ever made. I spent such a long time thinking I had to do things alone and face things by myself. It wasn’t true. You don’t have to do everything alone. It’s okay to want to have a partner.”
If anyone else had said that to me, I would have labeled them a quack and gotten the hell out of dodge. But it was different with Abby. Maybe it was because Logan was her brother, but I felt like she understood. On some level. She just got it. She understood the fear that came with trusting someone, getting close. I had to admit that I found some sort of comfort in knowing that I wasn’t the only person navigating such a winding, complicated road.
“I think we’re gonna be friends,” I said with a laugh, popping another piece of cookie dough in my mouth.
“Oh, definitely. I’ve been waiting for a girl to come along and help me torture my brother.”
Knox came home soon after and immediately laid into us for eating raw cookie dough. Abby rolled her eyes when his back was turned and then laughed at him as he rattled off the dangers of salmonella. “Your mom eats raw dough all the time!”
“Abbs, I really can’t tell if you’re making a ‘your mom’ joke or if you’re actually talking about my mother.”
I watched, fascinated by their banter. They were so quick with the responses it was hard to keep up, but it was all playful. There was no hiding the smile on her face as she looked up at him and I noticed the way his eyes were always drawn to her. It sounded corny, e
specially to me, but I could feel the love in the house. A dog would be perfect there and I was determined to find the best fit. But I had the sneaking suspicion Abby would be making heart eyes at Mutt in no time at all.
The conversation I had with Abby gave me a lot to think about as I drove home that night. She’d made valid points about being afraid to trust someone and a familiar ache settled in my chest at the prospect of actually opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable.
Did I want a partner?
Was I tired of doing everything alone?
Maybe, but that didn’t mean my circumstances were going to change. How could I? I’d spent the last three years of my life, essentially, alone, and before that I’d spent my life being overly independent with trust issues a mile long thanks to my parents’ shortcomings. How was I supposed to unlearn everything I’d taught myself over the years? Was that even possible?
Yes, Logan and I were sleeping together and, of course, that required some level of trust. But baring my naked body was so much easier than baring my naked soul, and the thought of really exposing myself and my issues was terrifying. It could have been the fear of rejection, but I think more than that it was the fear that he wouldn’t reject me. That Logan would embrace it and want more. He could have me completely wrapped around his finger and then just decide that he didn’t want it anymore. He could sweep me up and then just drop me when he got bored, or when he got tired of me and my animal books. Or the fact that I constantly had fur on my clothes.
“He could break my heart,” I whispered to myself as I put my car in park and turned it off. I sat there for a minute and stared at the rows of docks with little floating homes, some with lights on, others with lights off. The night was cloudless and the stars went on for miles over the black ocean.
For whatever reason, Gran came to mind. Her tall, slender frame and the way she always had a knowing smile on her face. She knew all, saw all. When I was child, I was firmly convinced that she was a mind reader because she seemed to always know what I was thinking. It didn’t matter what it was, she just knew.
