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“Listen to me first.”
“You never listen to me,” Mikaela told him. “And frankly, I’ve had enough of this, I’ve had enough of all of this. You’ve trampled on me enough. I don’t want to be a part of your mind games, I don’t want my self-esteem affected, and I don’t want to think twice before I talk because you might think less of me.”
“I don’t think less of you. I think the world of you. You’re the most amazing person—”
“Stop it! Stop it!” she cried. “You’re doing this on purpose. You think you can reel me back in, don’t you? All those times I’ve tried to be nice to you, they fell on deaf ears, they fell on nothing. You looked at me like I was the lowest of the low, well-- guess what buddy, what you did was the lowest of the low.”
“I only did that because I was afraid I couldn’t control what wa
s happening,” he began. “I realized things when you were in London. I saw that look of happiness in your eyes and I wanted to keep it that way, but I didn’t want to be obvious. And you’re right, I have a huge ego. I wanted to come out as the winner of the contract, even if this was no contest, even if I told you this was a win-win situation.
“I wanted you, Mikaela, and I’m not afraid to say it. I wanted you from the moment I saw you. It started out with me just wanting to sleep with you. I’d lie to myself if I thought you weren’t desirable, you were and I told myself if I didn’t introduce myself to you, I’d regret it. I didn’t want to get to know you at first, but I wanted you. It was selfish and I saw no other way to keep you close. I didn’t think I’d end up liking you too soon. There was a reason that contract was only supposed to last three months, to avoid strong emotions.
“I’m not used to stuff like that. I’m not used to being nagged about, I’m not used to attention that borders on controlling. I dated long term, but I never fell in love. Maybe I felt some sentiment, some getting used to it, but that was it. Even a year isn’t enough to make me love someone.”
“It’s not about the time! Time doesn’t matter when you find yourself liking someone. Don’t you want to spend every waking moment with someone you like at least?”
He nodded. “I realized that too late. I realized that this morning.”
“So you came up with that plan? You did that on purpose, to make me feel bad. Do you have any idea how you made me feel? You did that for the whole world to see, when you knew you were only targeting me. Your hand on her butt, you were smiling on that photo—”
“Because I planned for it to be the like that. I gave you the money not because I cheated, but because I didn’t want to see you again, knowing I’d have hurt you too much already—”
“Yet here you are.”
“Yes, here I am,” Justin told her, his eyes solely concentrated on her. “Here I am, asking for a chance to be with you, here I am bending down to pride. Here I am doing something I’d never done before. I was desperate to see you. I couldn’t sleep.
Right after those paparazzi took those photos, I felt no sense of accomplishment. In fact, I felt miserable. You were on my mind every day, when you left London early, there wasn’t an hour I didn’t wish I could have taken that flight with you. It was a terrible last ditch effort to get rid of these feelings I’m not used to. I also get afraid, even if I’m like this, even if I’m used to making corporate decisions- this whole thing, it’s all new to me.”
“You’re telling me this now? Do you think I’m a total idiot to even believe what you’re saying? You could have said this while I was there!”
“I was a coward!” he exploded. “I was a goddamned coward. And I still am now. It took all of my strength, my pride, everything—just so I could garner that least amount of courage to see you. I had to see you.”
“Why did you make things hard for me? Couldn’t it have been easy to be nice at least?”
“I did all those things for you,” he said. “The shopping, this apartment—”
“Only on loan,” she cut him off. “Even your kindness was on loan. The moment you figured you’d tire of me.”
“I haven’t tired of you, that’s why I’m here. I’m trying to explain the shitty stuff I did to you,” he reasoned angrily.
She stopped. He had cursed, he had said the first profanity she had ever heard from his mouth. He saw her face and continued.
“So yes, I said shit, yes, I was an idiot for doing that to you, yes, it was lame I tried to protect myself from falling in love with you, but I couldn’t.”
Mikaela said nothing and waited for him to continue.
He took a deep breath, never breaking eye contact with her. “You heard me right, I fell in love with you, only I didn’t recognize it earlier. The moment I did, fear was in place as well. The fear that I could never become who I molded myself to be, the fear that if I lost you, I’d feel so abandoned, I’d never allow myself to fall in love again. I prided myself in getting any woman I wanted, and I prided myself in getting you. I coerced you into signing that contract, I made you a part of the routine I’d always wanted to have. The sex was great and I wanted more of you because of that—”
“Is that why you didn’t sleep with me that night? When we had our first real date? We spent hours talking and talking and I believed every word you said—”
“Every word I said was true. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with you that night because I wanted every waking moment with you to be real, far more real than that contract. I wanted to hear what you had to say, I wanted you to ask about me, so you could get to know me better.”
“I already have. And you’ve hurt me so much it’s enough to last me a lifetime,” she told him, glancing at something on the table.
He picked the newspaper up. “Is this what’s bothering you?”
She didn’t say anything again. Everything about him bothered her.
