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Tears stung her eyes and leaked down her face as she sat there waiting, trying to be brave.
But her mommy never came back.
For years afterward, she tried to remember what had happened next, what she did, but all those people were like a cloud that obscured her memories. All she ever remembered was waking up on a dirty cement stoop along a street that was totally empty, seeing a policeman on horseback.
From his perch high above her, he frowned down at her and said, "Hey, little one, are you all alone?"
"I am," was all she could say without crying.
He took her back to the house on Queen Anne Hill, where her grandma held her tightly and kissed her cheek and told her it wasnt her fault.
But Tully knew better. Somehow today shed done something wrong, been bad. Next time her mommy came back, shed try harder. Shed promise to be the president and shed never, ever say she was sorry again.
Tully got a chart of the presidents of the United States and memorized every name in order. For months afterward, she told anyone who asked that she would be the first woman president; she even quit taking ballet classes. On her eleventh birthday, while Grandma lit the candles on her cake and sang a thin, watery version of "Happy Birthday," Tully glanced repeatedly at the door, thinking, This is it, but no one ever knocked and the phone didnt ring. Later, with the opened boxes of her gifts around her, she tried to keep smiling. In front of her, on the coffee table, was an empty scrapbook. As a present, it sort of sucked, but her grandma always gave her stuff like this—projects to keep her busy and quiet.
"She didnt even call," Tully said, looking up.
Gran sighed tiredly. "Your mom has . . . problems, Tully. Shes weak and confused. Youve got to quit pretending things are different. What matters is that youre strong. "
Shed heard this advice a bazillion times. "I know. "
Gran sat down on the worn floral sofa beside Tully and pulled her onto her lap.
Tully loved it when Gran held her. She snuggled in close, rested her cheek on Grans soft chest.
"I wish things were different with your mama, Tully, and thats the Gods honest truth, but shes a lost soul. Has been for a long time. "
"Is that why she doesnt love me?"
Gran looked down at her. The black horn-rimmed glasses magnified her pale gray eyes. "She loves you, in her way. Thats why she keeps coming back. "
"It doesnt feel like love. "
"I know. "
"I dont think she even likes me. "
"Its me she doesnt like. Something happened a long time ago and I didnt . . . Well, it doesnt matter now. " Gran tightened her hold on Tully. "Someday shell be sorry she missed these years with you. Im certain of that. "
"I could show her my scrapbook. "
Gran didnt look at her. "That would be nice. " After a long silence, she said, "Happy birthday, Tully," and kissed her forehead. "Now Id best go sit with your grandfather. Hes feeling poorly today. "
After her grandmother left the room, Tully sat there, staring down at the blank first page of her new scrapbook. It would be the perfect thing to give her mother one day, to show her what shed missed. But how would Tully fill it? She had a few photographs of herself, taken mostly by her friends moms at parties and on field trips, but not many. Her grans eyes werent good enough for those tiny viewfinders. And she had only the one picture of her mom.
She picked up a pen and very carefully wrote the date in the upper right-hand corner; then she frowned. What else? Dear Mommy. Today was my eleventh birthday . . .
After that day, she collected artifacts from her life. School pictures, sports pictures, movie ticket stubs. For years whenever she had a good day, she hurried home and wrote about it, pasting down whatever receipt or ticket proved where she had been or what shed done. Somewhere along the way she started adding little embellishments to make herself look better. They werent lies, really, just exaggerations. Anything that would make her mom someday say she was proud of her. She filled that scrapbook and then another and another. On every birthday, she received a brand-new book, until she moved into the teen years.
Something happened to her then. She wasnt sure what it was, maybe the breasts that grew faster than anyone elses, or maybe it was just that she got tired of putting her life down on pieces of paper no one ever asked to see. By fourteen, she was done. She put all her little-girl books in a big cardboard box and shoved them to the back of her closet, and she asked Gran not to buy her any more.
"Are you sure, honey?"
"Yeah," had been her answer. She didnt care about her mother anymore and tried never to think about her. In fact, at school, she told everyone that her mom had died in a boating accident.
The lie freed her. She quit buying her clothes in the little-girls departments and spent her time in the juniors area. She bought tight, midriff-baring shirts that showed off her new boobs and low-rise bell-bottoms that made her butt look good. She had to hide these clothes from Gran, but it was easy to do; a puffy down vest and a quick wave could get her out of the house in whatever she wanted to wear.
She learned that if she dressed carefully and acted a certain way, the cool kids wanted to hang out with her. On Friday and Saturday nights, she told Gran she was staying at a friends house and went roller-skating at Lake Hills, where no one ever asked about her family or looked at her as if she were "poor Tully. " She learned to smoke cigarettes without coughing and to chew gum to camouflage the smell on her breath.
