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So their weird, silent triangle went on, day after day, night after night. Tully always asked Kate why she didnt date. She longed to come clean, tell Tully the truth, but every time she started to confess, she backed out. How could she tell the truth about Johnny, after the crap shed given Tully about Chad? Your boss, after all, was worse than your professor.
And besides, what did Tully know about unrequited love? Her friend would just start pushing Kate to ask Johnny out. What would Kate say then? I cant. Hes in love with you. Deeper down, in a dark place she rarely acknowledged, there was another fear, one she only recognized in her dreams and nightmares. In the cold light of day, she didnt believe it, but at night, alone, she worried that if Tully found out about Kates love, it might actually make Johnny more attractive to Tully. That was the thing about her best friend; it wasnt that she wanted what she couldnt have. It was that she wanted everything, and sooner or later, Tully got what she wanted. Kate couldnt risk it. Not having Johnny she could live with. Losing him to Tully would be unbearable.
So Kate kept her head down, her hands busy, and her dreams of love hidden away. She smiled easily when Mom or Dad or Tully teased her about her social life, joked that her standards were higher than some people she could name, an answer which was always good for a laugh.
She tried not to be alone with Johnny too much, either, just to stay on the safe side. Although she no longer fumbled things or got tongue-tied around him, she always sensed that he was quite perceptive, and that, given too many opportunities, he might sense that which she worked so hard to hide.
Her plan went pretty well, all things considered, until a cold November day in 1984 when Johnny called her into his office.
They were alone again, that day. Tully and Mutt were tracking down a Sasquatch sighting in the Olympic rain forest.
Kate smoothed her angora sweater and schooled her face into an impersonal smile as she went into his office and found him standing at the dirty window. "What is it, Johnny?"
He looked terrible. Haggard. "Remember when I told you about El Salvador?"
"Sure. "
"Well, I still have friends down there. One of them, Father Ramón, is missing. His sister thinks theyve taken him somewhere for torture, or that theyve killed him. She wants me to come down and see if I can help. "
"But its dangerous—"
"Danger is my middle name. " He smiled, but it was like a reflection on water, distorted and unreal.
"This isnt something to joke about. You could be killed. Or disappear like that journalist in Chile during the coup. He was never seen again. "
"Believe me," he said, "Im not joking. Ive been there, remember? I know what its like to be blindfolded and shot at. " He turned his head. His eyes took on a vague, unfocused look, and she wondered what he was remembering. "I cant turn my back on the people who protected me down there. Could you turn away from Tully if she begged you for help?"
"I would help her, as you well know. Although I dont expect to see her in a war zone, unless you count the anniversary sale at Nordstrom. "
"I knew you were my girl. So youll keep this place running while Im gone?"
"Me?"
"Like I said once, youre a responsible girl. "
She couldnt help herself; she moved toward him, looked up. He was leaving, could be hurt down there, or worse. "Woman," she said.
He stared down at her, unsmiling. She felt the mere inches between them. It would take nothing, barely a movement to touch.
"Woman," he said.
Then he left her there, standing alone, surrounded by word ghosts; things she could have said.
When Johnny was gone, Kate learned how elastic time was, how it could stretch out until minutes felt like hours. All it would take was a phone call, though, an official saying he was sorry, to make it snap like a rubber band. Every time the phone rang, she tensed. By the end of the first day, she had a pounding headache.
She learned another lesson that first week, too. Life went on. The head honchos in Tacoma still called, and a producer was assigned to oversee the assignments the team was given, but in truth, the way it worked out, Kate began to take over some of the producing responsibilities. Mutt and Tully trusted her, and she knew how to make things work on the shoestring budget theyd been given. All that longing of hers had paid off; it seemed shed watched Johnny closely enough that she knew how to do his job. She was a seamstress to his couturier, of course, but still, she was competent. By Thursday of the first week, the out-of-town producer had thrown up his hands, said he had better things to do than follow crazy people around all day, and returned to Tacoma.
On Friday, Kate produced her first segment. It was soft and unimportant—an update on former childrens TV star Brakeman Bill—but still it was hers, and it hit the air.
What an adrenaline rush it had been to see her work on-screen, even if it was Tullys face and voice that everyone remembered. Shed called her parents and they drove down to watch the broadcast with Kate and Tully. Afterward, theyd toasted to "the dream" and agreed that it was that much closer to coming true.
"I always thought Katie and I would be on air together, an anchoring team, but I guess I was wrong," Tully had said. "Shell be the producer of my show someday instead. And when Barbara Walters interviews me, Ill say I couldnt have done it without her. "
Kate had toasted when it was expected of her, smiling purposely and reliving every moment through Tullys chatter. Shed been proud of herself, truly she had, and shed loved doing the piece and celebrating with her parents. It had been especially poignant when Mom took her aside and said, "Im proud of you, Katie. Youre on your way now. Arent you glad you didnt give up?"
But all the while, a part of her was watching the clock, thinking how slowly time was moving.
"You look terrible," Tully said the next day, dropping a stack of tapes on Kates desk.
