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Angie looked up, trying to smile. "And dont forget that Im learning to live alone. "
"By the looks of it, that isnt going well. "
"No. " She took a sip of wine. Maybe more than a sip. She didnt really want to talk about her life. All it did was wound her. "I need to convince Livvy to come back. "
Mira sighed, obviously disappointed by Angies change in subject. "We probably should have told you that shes wanted to quit for months. "
"Yeah. That would have been good to know. "
"Look on the bright side. Theres one less of us to piss off when you start making changes. "
For some reason, the word changes hit Angie hard. She put down the wineglass and stood up; then she moved to the window, staring out, as if her location had been the problem.
"Angie?"
"I dont know what the hell is wrong with me lately. "
Mira came up beside her, touched her shoulder. "You need to slow down. "
"What do you mean?"
"Ever since you were a girl, youve been running for what you wanted. You couldnt get out of West End quickly enough. Poor Tommy Matucci asked about you for two years after you left, but you never called him. Then you rushed through college and blistered up the food chain in advertising. " Her voice softened. "And when you and Conlan decided to start your family, you immediately started tracking your ovulation and working at it. "
"A lot of good it did me. "
"The point is, now youre lost, but youre still running full speed. Away from Seattle and your ruined marriage, toward West End and the failing restaurant. How will you ever figure out what you want when everything is a blur?"
Angie stared at her reflection in the window. Her skin looked parchment pale, her eyes seemed bruised by darkness, and her mouth was barely a strip. "What do you know about wanting?" she said, hearing the ache in her voice.
"I have four kids and a husband who loves his bowling league almost as much as he loves me, and Ive never had a boss who wasnt related to me. While you were sending me postcards from New York and London and Los Angeles, I was trying to save enough money to get my hair cut. Believe me, I know about wanting. "
Angie wanted to turn and face her sister but she didnt dare. "I would have traded it all--the trips, the lifestyle, the career--for just one of those babies upstairs. "
Mira touched her shoulder. "I know. "
Angie finally turned and knew instantly it was a mistake.
Miras eyes were full of tears.
"I need to go," Angie said, hearing the thickness of her voice.
"Dont--"
She pushed past Mira and ran for the front door. Outside, rain slashed at her, blurred her vision. Not caring, she raced for the car. Miras Come back echoed behind her.
"I cant," she said, too softly for her sister to hear.
She climbed into the car and slammed the door, starting the engine and backing out before Mira could follow her.
She drove up one street and down another, barely aware of where she was. The radio volume was turned high. Right now Cher was singing at her to "Believe. "
At last she found herself in the Safeway parking lot, drawn like a moth to the bright lights.
There she sat beneath the glaring streetlamp, staring out at the rain hammering her windshield.
I would have traded it all.
She closed her eyes. Just saying those words aloud had hurt.
