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The door creaked open.
He heard the familiar cadence of Liam’s footsteps. “How is she today?”
Julian shrugged. “The same. ”
Liam popped a tape into the player—Air Supply’s “Lost in Love”—then took his usual place on Kayla’s other side, standing close to the bed. “Heya, Mike. ”
Julian envied Liam, who was able to sit here for hours, talking to his wife, holding her hand, believing in a happy ending, even as they saw how she was fading into the sheets.
Julian gazed down at Kayla, his thoughts turning again to the day he’d asked her to marry him. “I hurt her,” he said softly, realizing a second too late that he’d spoken aloud.
“Why?”
After last night, Julian felt a strange kinship with Kayla’s husband. Liam was the only one in the world who knew how it felt to sit here, hour after hour, praying for a miracle. “There’s something wrong with me. I don’t love for long. I wanted Kayla, wanted her like I’ve never wanted a woman before or since. I was so goddamned in love with her …”
“I think maybe ‘in love’ has the shelf life of whipping cream. No matter how you handle it, it goes sour. But if you’re lucky, you get past ‘i
n love’ and end up just loving someone. ”
“That’s how you love her. ”
“Yes. ”
Julian knew his next question would wound Liam, but he had to ask it. “Did she love you that way?”
Julian saw that Liam wanted to lie to him, to say certainly, absolutely, with all her heart; he saw, too, the moment Liam lost that battle.
He gave a lopsided, half smile. “Ironically, I think she loves me … but I don’t know now if she was ever in love with me. ” Liam paused, then asked, “Have you ever had a family, Julian? I mean, a real family that lasts through good times and bad … the kind that keeps you out of the deep end?”
The question stung. He’d always wanted a family, but a family was give-and-take. He had always specialized in take-and-take. His only chance had been Kayla; if he’d held on to her, he might have known what it felt like to belong to a group of people who loved you no matter what, who cried when you failed and cheered when you won.
Julian patted his pocket, looking for a pack of cigarettes, then remembered he was in the hospital. Liam was staring at him now, seeing him. Julian felt as if his insides were splayed out on an operating table for Liam to see, and like a smoker’s lungs, they were black and ruined.
Julian didn’t answer. Finally, Liam pulled up a chair and sat down. For the next hour, they took turns talking quietly to Kayla.
After a while, Liam looked up at the clock. “Well, I have to get going. The kids’ll be home soon. ” He stood up and stroked Kayla’s cheek. “Heya, babe. I’ll be back tomorrow. ” Then he leaned down and kissed her forehead, murmuring a word that Julian couldn’t make out.
Liam was almost to the door when Julian asked, “How do you do it?”
Liam glanced back at him, his hand on the door handle. “Do what?”
“How do you keep believing she’ll wake up?”
“I love her. ”
Julian frowned. “I know. But how do you do it?”
Liam’s gaze flicked over to his wife. “I have to. ”
Julian watched Liam leave the room. Without Liam there, the silence felt awkward. He moved closer to the bed, picked up Kayla’s limp hand, and squeezed it hard. “How is it I can remember falling in love with you, and have so little memory of the end? Our love affair is clear as glass, but our marriage, our life is … gone. All I remember is the day you left. I don’t even remember trying to stop you. Did I? Did I ever say, ‘Don’t leave me’? Did I know what I would become without you?” He sighed. “Jesus, Kayla, did I even care?”
She hears him call her name.
She tries to reach for him, but there is nothing beside her. She feels the panic building again, swirling around her.
Pictures twirl through her mind like images in a child’s viewfinder, and when they stop, she is somewhere else. A house.
She tries to say something, to call out, but there is something wrong with her throat. In the distance she can hear a moan. It is her … or maybe not …
