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Just thinking it makes her eyes water more. She starts howling, softly, though she knows there is no one to hear. She is too far from her place. Her howling grows louder, more desperate.
“Brittany?”
She says nothing. The only way to protect herself is in the quiet. She has no one to care for her anymore so she needs to be small and still.
She closes her eyes, lets the sleep come for her again. It is better to dream of Jewlee, to pretend. In her dreams she is a good girl and has a Jewlee Mommy to love her.
SOMETIME LATER—JULIA HAD NO IDEA WHEN; SHE’D LOST HER GRIP ON time—she sent Max downstairs and Ellie back to work. They’d both been smothering her all day, trying to offer a comfort that didn’t exist. Frankly, it took all her strength, every bit she had, to stay here and not scream until she was hoarse. She couldn’t let herself look at the people she loved—and who loved her. All of it just made her think of Alice.
She stared out the bedroom window at the empty yard.
Birds.
Come spring, those birds would come looking for Alice. . . .
Behind her the dogs chuffed softly to one another; they’d spent almost an hour looking for their girl. Now they were quiet, lying beside Alice’s bed, waiting for her return. Every now and then howls would fill the air.
Julia glanced down at her watch and thought about how long they’d been gone. A few hours, and already it felt like a lifetime.
It was five-thirty. They would be nearing the city now. The majestic green of Alice’s beloved forest would have given way to the gray of concrete. She would feel as alien there as any space traveler. Without her, the little girl would regress, retreat once more into her frightened and silent world. Her fear would be too big to handle.
“Please, God,” she whispered aloud, praying again for the first time in years, “take care of my girl. Don’t let her hurt herself.”
She turned away from the window . . . and saw the potted plants. Before Alice, those plants had been separate, placed as they’d been in various places throughout the house. Now they were the forest, the hiding place.
She knew she should stay where she was, keep her distance, but she couldn’t do it. She walked over to the plants, stroked their glossy green leaves. “You’ll miss her, too,” she said throatily, not caring that she was talking to plants. It didn’t matter now if she went a little crazy. She wasn’t Dr. Cates now. She was just an ordinary woman missing an extraordinary girl.
It was almost six now. They were probably on the floating bridge, crossing Lake Washington, nearing Mercer Island; Alice would see the snowcapped mountains in the distance and see where she’d come from. The air would smell different, too; of smog and cars and the tamed blue sound.
She finally left the room. Downstairs, the house was quiet except for the clang and rattle of Max’s cooking.
She went to the table that was set for two, pretending not to see the blank space where the third place mat belonged. “What’re you making?” she asked Max, who was in the kitchen, chopping vegetables.
At the sound of her voice, he looked up.
Their gazes met. “Stir fry.” He set down the knife and moved toward her.
“The phone keeps ringing.”
“It’s Ellie,” he said. “She wants to make sure you’re okay.”
He put an arm around her and led her to the window. Together they stared out at the dark backyard. The first star of evening looked down on them.
She leaned against him, loving the heat of his body against hers; it reminded her how cold she was. He didn’t ask how she was or tell her it would be okay. He simply put his hand around the back of her neck, anchoring her. Without that touch, she might have drifted away, floated on this sea of emptiness. But with the one simple gesture he’d reminded her that she hadn’t lost everything, that she wasn’t alone.
“I wonder how she’s doing.”
“Don’t,” he said softly. “All you can do is wait.”
“For what?”
“Someday when you think about her howling or eating the flowers or trying to play with spiders, you’ll laugh instead of cry.”
Julia wanted to be helped by his words. As a psychiatrist, she knew he was right; the mother in her couldn’t believe it.
Behind them the doorbell rang.
To be honest, she was thankful for the distraction. “Did you lock Ellie out?” she asked, wiping her eyes and trying to smile. “I shouldn’t have sent her to work anyway. I thought being with Cal would help.”
