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“Good. Sit here. Someone will come and get you when its time to go on. ” The woman consulted her papers. “You get two minutes up front. You were a last-minute guest, so theres no time for an interview; well just have to make do. Be fast and be funny. ” With a quick sniff, the woman was gone.
Ruby collapsed on the sofa. Suddenly she was more than nervous. She was terrified. Be funny.
What had she been thinking? She wasnt funny. Her material might be funny, but she wasnt. It usually took her three minutes into a routine before she calmed down enough to make people laugh.
So, a minute after she was finished, shed be a riot.
She shot to her feet. Her heart was pounding so hard she thought for a second that someone was at the door.
“Calm down, Ruby,” she said, forcing her fingers to uncurl. She focused on her breathing. In and out, in and out. “You are funny. You are. ”
There was a knock at the door. “Theyre ready for you, Miss Bridge. ”
“Oh, my God. ” Ruby glanced at the wall clock.
Shed been standing here, hyperventilating, for thirty minutes, and now she couldnt remember one goddamn line of material.
The door swung open.
Bird lady stood there, pointy face tilted to the left. “Miss Bridge?”
Ruby exhaled slowly, slowly. “Im ready,” she said, and though she was facing the woman, she was really talking to herself. She was ready; shed been ready all her life.
She followed the woman toward the stage. As she got closer; she could hear the familiar strains of the opening music. Then came Joes voice; the audience laughed in response to something he said.
“Remember,” the woman said in a stage whisper, “we want opinions, the more outrageous and controversial the better. ”
Ruby nodded in understanding, although truthfully, she didnt think she had an opinion on anything right now except her own shortcomings. And as an added bonus, she was sweating like a geyser. Mascara was probably running down her cheeks.
Shed look like something out of Alien by the time-
“Ruby Bridge!” Her name roared through the sound system, chased by the sound of applause.
Ruby pushed through the curtains, smiling to the best of her ability. She forced herself not to squint, although the lights were so bright she couldnt see anything. She just hoped she didnt walk off the end of the stage.
She went to the microphone. It made a fuzzy, crackling sound as she pulled it off its stand. “Well,” she said with a bright smile, “its nice to know Im not the only person who can come to a talk show in the middle of the day. Of course, its easy for me. I was fired yesterday. Fired, from a trendy, shit-ass restaurant that I wont name--but it sounds like Irmas Hash House. I wont even tell you what I thought wed be selling . . . ”
A smattering of laughter.
“Actually, if they were going to fire me, Im glad it happened on Thursday. Friday is all-you-can-eat night. And trust me, people take that literally. Irmas is the only restaurant in L. A. where they have defibrillators on the table. Ketchup? Mustard? Restart your heart?” She let silence have a beat of her time. “I mean, this is the new millennium. I kept saying to people, for the love of God, eat fruit. ”
More laughter, deeper this time. It gave her confidence.
She grinned, then launched into the rest of her routine, saving the best jokes-about her mother-for last.
At the end of her abbreviated routine, Ruby stepped back from the mike. Amid the beautiful sound of applause, Joe Cochran crossed the stage toward her. He was smiling, which was definitely a good sign.
He placed a hand warmly on her shoulder and turned to face the crowd. “Youve all met the very funny Ruby Bridge. Now, lets meet the rest of our players for tonight. Theres family therapist Elsa Pine, author of the best selling book Poisonous Parents, and the honorable Sanford Tyrell, congressman from Alabama. ”
Elsa and Sanford walked onstage, looking like a pencil and a softball. They were careful not to make eye contact with each other.
Joe clapped his hands together. “Lets get started. ”
The three guests followed Joe to the artfully arranged leather chairs on the stage. Joe sat down in the center seat, then looked up at the audience and smiled. “I dont know about you all, but Im sick and tired of the way our judicial system handles criminals. Every time I open the paper, I read about some psychopath who killed a little girl and got off because the jury felt sorry for him. I mean, sorry for him. Whos looking out for the victims here?”
“Now Joe. ” Elsa leaned forward, her eyes narrowed and hard beneath the sensible, round glasses. She was so thin, Ruby wondered how her lungs could fill with air without knocking her over. “Criminals arent born theyre made. It makes perfect sense to understand that some people have been so abused by their parents that they no longer know right from wrong. ”
“Little lady,” the good congressman said, his florid face creasing into a good-ole-boy grin, “thats about as wrong-headed as a filly can be. ”
