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“I lived with a guy-Max Bloom-for almost five years. ”
“Did you love him?”
“I . . . wanted to. ”
“Did he love you?”
Ruby got to her feet and went to the bookcase, where she started thumbing through their old record collection. “I think he did. In the beginning. ”
How did it end between you?"
Ruby shrugged. “I came home from work one day and hed moved out. He took everything from the kitchen except our coffeemaker. In the bathroom, he left a razor full of his hair and an almost empty bottle of Prell, but no towels. ”
Nora longed to empathize with her daughter; tell her how much she understood that kind of pain, but that was the easy way--understanding. What mattered now, in this moment when they were actually talking, was not Noras understanding. It was Ruby herself. Like Nora, Ruby liked to run away from her problems, and sometimes she ran so far and so fast that she never bothered to really look at why shed left. “Did you ever tell him you loved him?”
Almost. Practically. "
“Ah. ”
Ruby frowned at her. "What does that mean-‘ah’?
”
“Did he say he loved you?”
“Yeah, but Max was like that. He told the checker at Safeway he loved her. ”
Nora could see that shed have to be more direct. “Let me ask you this, Ruby. How long do you think it takes to fall in love?”
Ruby sighed raggedly. “So your point is this: I never really loved Max, so why did I cry when he left me?”
“No. You lived and slept with a man for almost five years and never told him you loved him, even after hed said those precious words to you. The question isnt why he left. Its why he stayed so long. ,”
Rubys mouth dropped open. “Oh, my God. I never thought about it like that. ” She looked helplessly at Nora.
“I told your father I loved him the first time we made love. Id never said the words before, not to anyone. It wasnt the sort of thing my family did. Id been hoarding I love yous all my life. And do you know when Rand told me he loved me?”
“When?”
“Never. I waited for it like a child waits for Christmas morning. Every time I said it, I waited, and every second of his silence was a little death. ”
Ruby closed her eyes and shook her head. “No more. Please . . . ”
“I wanted to raise you to be strong and sure of yourself, and instead I turned you into me. I made you afraid to love and certain youd be left behind. I was a bad mother and you paid the price. Im so, so sorry for that. ”
“You werent a bad mother,” Ruby said quietly, “until you left. ”
Nora was pathetically grateful for that. “Thank you. ”
She knew she was following a dangerous path, sitting here, falling in love with her daughter all over again. . . but she couldnt help herself. “I still remember the little girl who cried every time a baby bird fell out of its nest. ”
“That girl has been gone a long time. ”
“Youll find her again,” Nora said softly, “probably about the same time you fall in love. And when its real, Ruby, youll know it . . . and youll stop being afraid. ”
After dinner; Ruby stayed in the bathtub until the water turned cold.
The world-her world-had changed, but she couldnt put her finger on precisely how. It was like walking into a perfectly decorated room and knowing instinctively that somewhere a picture was crooked. She climbed out of the clawfoot tub and stood on the fuzzy pink bath mat, dripping. By the time she dried off and slipped into a pair of sweats and an oversized UCLA Bruins sweatshirt, she could smell dinner cooking.
