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“I did. ”
“Youre scaring me. ”
“Honey, I havent begun to scare you. Sit down, snap on your seat belt, and lock your seat in the upright position. ”
Ruby pulled the chair out and perched nervously on its edge. Her foot started tapping so hard it sounded like gunfire.
Her dad looked . . . different. She couldnt have put her finger on exactly how, but the man sitting across from her, with the graying hair and well-worn sweater with its threadbare elbows, wasnt the man shed expected.
This man, hunched over; staring at a full bottle of Cuervo Gold, looked as if he hadnt smiled in years. He looked up suddenly. “I love you. I want you to remember that. ”
She heard the tender underbelly of his voice, saw the emotion in his eyes, and it reminded her of exactly how far apart theyd drifted. “I could never forget that. ”
"I dont know. Youre good at forgetting the people who love you. The story starts in nineteen sixty-seven, just a few years before the whole damn world exploded. I was at the University of Washington; Id just finished my senior year; and I was certain Id get drafted into the NFL. So certain I never bothered to get a degree. I barely studied. Hell, they paid someone to take tests for me. Things were crazy back then. The world was off its axis. Everyone I knew had been be of or mangled by it.
“And then I met Nora. She was scrawny and scared and looked like she hadnt slept in a week. Still, she was the most beautiful girl Id ever seen. She believed absolutely that Id play pro football. . . ” Dad slumped a little, thumped his elbows on the table.
“But it didnt happen. No one called. I walked around a daze; I couldnt believe it. I had no backup plan, no second choice. Then my draft number came up. I probably could have gotten out of it--said they needed me to run the farm-but I hated this island and I couldnt imagine how Id survive here. ” He and leaned back. “But I wanted someone to wait for me, to write me letters. So I went back toNora, my pretty little waitress at Beths Diner in Greenlake, and I asked her to marry me. ”
Ruby frowned. Shed heard this story a thousand times in her childhood and this was definitely not the way it went. “You didnt love her?”
"Not when I married her. No, thats not true. Id loved other women more. Anyway, we got married, spent a wonderful honeymoon at Lake Quinalt Lodge, and I shipped out. Your mom moved into this house with my folks. By the end of the first week, they were both in love with her. She was the daughter my parents never had, and she loved this land in a way I never could.
“Her letters kept me alive over there. Its funny. I fell in love with your mother when she wasnt even on the same continent. I meant to stay in love with her; but I didnt come home the same cocky, confident kid whod left. Vietnam . . . war . . . it did something to us. ” He smiled sadly. "Or maybe not. Maybe the bad seeds were always in me, and war gave them a dark place in which to grow. Anyway, I turned . . . cynical and hard. Your mom tried so hard to put me back ; and for a few years, we were happy. Caroline was born, then you . . .
Ruby had this bizarre sensation that her whole existence had turned into sand and was streaming through her fingers.
"When I came home, your mom and I moved into the house on Summer. I went to work at the feed store on Orcas. Everyone thought I was a failure.
“So much promise wasted,” they whispered to my dad over drinks at Herbs Tavern. God, I hated my life. “ He looked up suddenly. ”I didnt mean for it to happen. "
Ruby swallowed convulsively, as if something bitter was backing up in her throat. “Dont say-”
"I slept with other women.
“No. ”
“Your mom didnt know at first. I was careful-at least as careful as a drowning man can be. I was drinking a lot by then-God knows that didnt help--and I knew when she started to suspect. But she always gave me the benefit of the doubt. ”
“Oh, God,” Ruby whispered.
“Finally, that summer; someone told her the truth. She confronted me. Unfortunately, I was drunk at the time. I said . . . things . . . it was ugly. The next day, she left. ”
Ruby felt as if she were drowning, or falling, and she was desperate for something to cling to. “Oh, my God,” she said again. It was too much; she felt as if she might explode from trying to hold it all inside her.
He leaned toward her; reached for her across the table.
She got up so fast her chair skidded out from underneath her.
He pulled back and slowly got to his feet. “Weve all been carrying this baggage for too long. Some of us have tried to go on. ” He looked at her. “And some of us have refused to. But all of us are hurting. Im your father; shes your mother-whatever shes done or hasnt done, or said or hasnt said-shes a part of you and youre a part of her. Dont you see that you cant be whole without her?”
Rubys past seemed to be crumbling around her. There was nothing solid to hold on to, no single thing to point to and say There, thats my truth. “Im leaving. ”
He smiled sadly. “Of course you are. ”
“Call Nora. Tell her Im going to Carolines. Ill be home . . . whenever. ”
“I love you, Ruby,” he said. “Please dont forget that. ”
