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“I dont know. Tired. ”
Caro laughed. “I have two small children and a cat pukes up ten thousand hairballs a day. Im always tired. ”
“Is that, Caro? Does motherhood suck something out of you?”
Caroline was quiet for a minute. “I used to dream of going to Paris. Now I just want privacy when I use the toilet. ”
“Jesus, Caro. How come we never talk about things like that?”
“Theres nothing to say. ”
Ruby tried to sculpt an amorphous realization into words. "Thats not true. When we talk on the phone, its always about me. My career. My worthless excuse for a boyfriend. My thoughts on comedy. Its always about me.
“I like to live vicariously. ”
Ruby knew that was a lie. The truth was, Ruby had always been selfish. She didnt form relationships; she collected photographs of people and then cropped away the edges of anything that didnt fit with what she wanted to see. But those edges mattered. “Are you happy Caro?”
“Happy? Of course Im-” Caro started to cry.
The soft, heartbreaking sound tore at Rubys heart.
“Caro?”
“Sorry. Bad day in suburbia. ”
“Just one?”
“I cant talk about this now. ”
“Whats wrong with our family that we cant talk about anything that matters?”
"Talking doesnt change things. Believe me. Its better to just go on.
“I used to think that, but Im learning so much up here-”
“Ruby!” It was Moms voice. She must be standing at the bottom of the stairs, yelling up.
Ruby held the phone to her chest. “Ill be right down. Hey, Caro,” she said, coming back to the line.
“Why dont you come up here? Spend the night. ”
“Oh, I cant. The kids--”
“Leave them with the stud muffin. Its not like youre stapled to the house. ”
Carolines laughter was sharp. “Actually, thats exactly what its like. ”
“Shes not who we thought, Caro,” she said softly, realizing that shed said the words before, but without truly knowing their power. “Shes the . . . gatekeeper of our memories. Who we are. You should come. ”
Caroline paused, drew in a breath. “Im afraid. ”
Ruby understood. She wouldnt have a week ago, but now she did. “You wont break. ” She halted, thinking.
It was important that she phrase it well, that she pass on something of what shed learned about this family of theirs. “You think you have to hold it all in, and if you let any of it go, youll shatter into tiny pieces and you wont know who you are. But it doesnt work that way. Its more like . . . opening your eyes in a room youd expected to be dark. You can see things, and it makes you feel stronger. ” She laughed. “God, I sound like Obi-Wan on heroin. ”
“Jeez, Rube,” Caroline said, sniffling a little. “My baby sister has finally grown up. ”
“And only a moment before menopause. But then, Ive always been gifted. Top of my class, dont forget. ”
