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For fuck’s sake.
The tension in my body got too tight, but I finally looked up at him. He was leaning back and his body shifted to the side slightly, a glass in his hand with clear liquid filling it, liquid I knew wasn’t water. He had one arm bent at the elbow and resting over the back of his chair, his focus trained on me. I actually shivered. I had no idea why this man had this kind of effect on me, but there was no pushing it aside.
There was no ignoring it or trying to act like I had a handle on anything. I didn’t. My life was so messed up at the moment that any kind of relationship, including the sexual kind, shouldn’t have even been a blip in my mind.
“I have to leave after dinner to do some work.” He let those words hang in the air, and I didn’t respond because I knew he wasn’t finished. He slowly took a long drink of his vodka and then set the glass on the table, keeping his hand wrapped around it, his index finger slowly tapping against the side in an almost hypnotic way.
“Okay,” I said a little too breathily and then felt my cheeks heat. I reached across the table for my glass of red wine, the exact opposite of what I should’ve been drinking. After I took a drink and set the glass back on the table, a heavy weight of silence moved between us.
“I don’t have to ask that you stay in the apartment while I’m gone, right?” His voice was low and firm, as if he was trying to be as nonthreatening as possible. And although this man was dangerous on every level, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me.
Stupid, stupid girl.
“I’ll stay in the house, because I know it’s dangerous, but we do need to discuss me going to work tomorrow.”
He didn’t move, said nothing, but I saw the subtle tightening of his jaw after I spoke.
“We’ll talk about it,” he said, and now it was my turn to clench my teeth together, because his tone felt strangely like he’d only said the words to placate me.
I wanted to instantly lash out. I didn’t need another father. And although mine was worthless and the world wouldn’t miss him if he was gone, I also didn’t need anybody to look after me. I could do that myself. No one could take care of me better than me.
So although I wanted to stay on the subject, because that’s what I did—fight—how I survived, I had to pick and choose my battles. I didn’t have anywhere to be tonight, and I felt safe here. With Arlo. He was helping me by training with me, showing me how to protect myself. But I did repeat in my head a mantra I’d said over and over again, that I would get answers from him one way or another. Eventually.
It was another twenty minutes before I finally finished my dinner. I’d never eaten so well than when I was with Arlo, that was for sure. I’d never been full, always feeling that sliver of hunger biting at the edge.
And the entire time I’d been eating, Arlo had watched me. As if he couldn’t take his eyes off me. I didn’t know whether to be flattered or if he thought there was something wrong with me, but I chose the former, because the things I felt toward him with just a glance, things that made my belly tighten and my heart flutter, couldn’t handle rejection, not with the way my life had been going.
I finished off my wine, the alcohol giving me a warm sensation, my limbs feeling a little heavier than normal.
“Come here, I want to show you something.” He stood and walked past me, and I had no choice but to follow.
We made our way through the living room to the other side, where the shadows seemed thicker, where the lighting didn’t penetrate. He stopped at a sliding glass door I hadn’t even noticed, it was so seamless with the rest of the windows.
When he pulled it open, the night air washed in, teasing the strands of my hair around my shoulders. It was chilly, but it felt good, my body temperature seeming stifling whenever I was near him. We stepped out onto the balcony, and I felt the breath leave me at the scenic view in front.
Although the city had been gorgeous on the other side of the windows, as I walked toward the balcony and curled my hands around the cold, hard edge, it now seemed so surreal.
The banister was made up of thick glass with steel framing, giving the illusion that you were closer to falling over the edge than you really were. It had my legs tingling and my knees buckling. It made me feel alive.
