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“How would he use me?”
I forced air out of my lungs and ran my fingers through my hair. Let me count the ways.
“He takes every opportunity to humiliate me, belittle me, rile me up. It’s always been like that.”
“But he’s your father?”
“And he fucking hates me!” I slammed my balled fist into the wall then scrubbed my hands down my face. Ellison starts and crept back farther onto the bed, away from me and my out-of-control anger.
I fell to my knees and rubbed my eyes raw with the heel of my hands.
“I’m sorry, baby. I don’t mean to lose my temper in front of you.”
I turned to her and held out my hand. Ellison crawled back across my bed and took me in her arms. She buried her face in my neck and I inhaled the scent of her shampoo. I wanted to tell her more, but I’ve never opened up this much to anyone. Ever.
“El, he hits my mom.”
“Oh God! Calvin, I’m so sorry.” She grabbed my face with her hands and kissed my closed eyes. I felt the stress whoosh from my body at her gentle touch.
“Not when Fox and I are around, because we’ll fucking stop him. But when we’re not here, the coward puts his hands on her like the scum that he is. He cheats on her all the time, right in front of her face.”
Ellison kissed my nose and my lips. I grabbed the back of her head, my hands threaded through her long hair.
“Why does she put up with it?”
I shook my head, because I didn’t know the answer to that question. My mom would never leave no matter how much Fox and I encouraged it. I decided to let it all out. Ellison loved me unconditionally and she would never judge me.
“He broke my arm when I was seven. Roughhousing, he told the doctors. More like punishment for me leaving the freezer open after taking out popsicles.”
“Oh baby, he hurts you too.” It’s not a question, it’s a lament as she shook her head as tears poured down her face. “You should have told me, Calvin. You don’t have to live this alone.”
I didn’t think I could love her any more than I did before, but with her words, my heart broke, it became a giant open wound. I cradled her skull and dragged her lips to mine. She opened her mouth to my demand and I searched her soul with this kiss. I silently asked her to always be mine. This love didn’t burn, it healed and soothed. We joined together, losing track of time and place, reaching and following, a gentle push and pull that felt like a spell. We didnt’t ever have to leave that embrace because we were simultaneously living and dying. No one else in this world could crack the code to where I stored my pain. But Ellison did, fluently, and her acceptance somehow set me free from myself.
In her arms I became the person I wanted to be.
Chapter 21
ELLISON
I came out of sleep like the detonating of a bomb, jackknifing out of bed and clutching at my throat. I sucked air into my lungs like they’ve been deprived, which burned in response as if the deprivation was real.
Then I heard the revving of motorcycles and I was instantaneously transported back to that night. The sweep and flash of police cruisers lighting up the dark, the wail of sirens in the distance, air spiked with fear as my parents tore out of bed and rushed to the door. Our house was less than a mile from the highway exit, Adler almost made it home. But instead of the welcome of a warm bed, he met with wet pavement that wouldn’t take his brake when a semi cut him off.
I remembered the pain-stricken expressions they wore, the inability to comfort themselves, one another, or even their only daughter. I felt that despair as I leapt from the bed, adrenaline rushing haphazardly through my veins like an amphetamine. I didn’t know where I was or whether or not I could stop this tragedy from happening again. But I would try; I’d do anything to keep Adler by my side.
The furniture arrangement seemed off and I checked my hip on something solid and stationary. The pain was fierce and nearly knocked the wind from me. I shoved it aside not caring about bumps or bruises. What I wanted was to be there to hold Adler, one last time. Fear retreated as I flung the door open and dashed into the hallway. There was carpet under my bare feet when I was used to hardwood. Where I usually found the stairs, I rushed headlong into a wall. My head whipped from side to side as I scanned the hallway for an escape route.
