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I hear her, see them, but…the snow. I smell the salt and I can feel the blood and Ly and Mom and Breck…all dead. I feel myself shaking, am aware some distant somewhere that Gwen’s arms are around me. I’m shaking…and trying not lose it.
“It’s okay....”
I blink and realize I’m lying in Gwen’s lap with my arms around myself. One hand is clutching my face. Shaking…
I try to think of something I can tell her, but my mind feels stuck. Oh, fuck. Freaking out like this…
I told myself I wouldn’t—
I frown up at her. She looks…fine.
A shiver moves through my shoulders. Her face blurs, so I can’t tell if she is…
“Gwen?”
Her eyes are gentle. “Barrett?” Her arms pull me closer. I close my eyes and grit my teeth and try to breathe. It’s all still there—the things that blow me open…and the blood…and…
“Come here… Let’s lay down.” She does, and I half fall on her.
I wince, trying to shift back on my arms so I’m not lying right on her.
“It’s okay,” she whispers, holding me against her.
I can’t stop the flow of tears. Can’t forget what I saw. I can see the blood on her mouth. I cut my eyes so I can see her face—she’s lying on the pillow—searching for the damage that I fear will be there...
I find her brows are drawn together. Her hand cups my cheek as she searches my face.
“Hang on a minute, baby…” Gwenna sits up. I shift onto my side, feeling unsteady and weird. She’s gone for a moment, and then she’s moving in my field of vision with a big blanket. She spreads it over me. It’s oddly heavy
“That’s my weighted blanket.” I watch her out of the corner of my eye as she pulls it up to my mid-back. My eyelids seem to grow heavy with it. Gwenna doesn?
?t seem real.
“Okay, now…” She does her best to wrap her hands under my arms and tug me up against her, guiding my head to her soft belly. I can feel her body curl around mine. “Feel that blanket? It’s keeping you here…with me. You’re okay here. Nothing is the matter in this time and place, okay?” She holds me tightly as her whispered words flow through me. Things feel like they’re swirling around me.
I smell the blood. Regret and horror swell like balloons in my chest, until I can barely breathe enough to whisper, “I’m sorry.” I feel my body tremble, and I feel so fucking bad to burden her like this. I shut my eyes. “I love you.”
My stomach plummets as my raspy words make their way to my brain.
I’m off the bed so fast, the room careens; into the bathroom where I lean against the wall and brace my hands on my knees.
Fuck!
My mind is racing, even as my throat feels like it’s closing up. I think of crawling out the bathroom window.
Get a fucking grip. I stand up straighter, scrub the heels of my palms over my eyes. Even as I stop my leaking eyes and regulate my breathing, something hard and cold encases my chest.
It’s not going to work; it’s never going to work. I can’t keep it together…
I hear Gwenna come into the room. Can see the shape of her, but I can’t look at her. My eyes shut of their own accord, but I force them back open. Force them to meet her wide, brown ones.
“I’m sorry.”
I make myself take in the look on her face: kind. I grit my jaw so hard it sends a bolt of pain up my temple.
“Barrett…” Her voice is so soft, I can hardly hear it…but I see her mouth move. I feel her step closer to me.
“I’m wrong for you,” I manage. My voice sounds raspy; weak.
