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Nausea swirls through my gut. It’s so intense, I have to swallow.
“What?” I choke. My head fills up with static.
“We talked that night. I gave you my scarf. You left. I didn’t mind,” his slow voice says, “because I really liked you.”
“Shut up.” I don’t know why, but I can feel my body shaking. My head…goes so hot. When I blink at him, I see gold spots dancing.
“They all left…and, I was fucked up…at the bar. My brother died. I tried to get in touch with Breck—”
My arms and legs buzz—
“I tried calling him. A cab… But there was so much snow. I drove really slow but…then I kinda lost my shit.”
“Barrett—”
“I was drunk.” The word fades on a sob, but I don’t care, I just don’t care, he needs to shut up.
“I was going…so slow.”
“SHUT UP!” My hands are by my ears, but I can’t block the sound out.
“I didn’t mean to! I—”
I slap him.
“SHUT UP, BARRETT!”
I don’t know why—I don’t get it!— I turn and start to run, and I can see the snowy road, this snowy road. I can see it, I can see the white petals vibrate as I walk. I see the scarf. I’m thinking it’s so pretty, all the white. I’m cold. I’m almost back, though, just a little longer…
“IT WAS ME!”
I’m running, but the words are like a bullet.
“IT WAS ME WHO HIT YOU, GWENNA!” The sentence collapses, half sobbed. He steps toward me, reaching. “I didn’t mean to, Gwen…”
He gasps.
Barrett is losing it, I think from very far away.
He holds his head as his whole body shakes with violent sobbing. I don’t understand. Can only watch.
* * *
Barrett
January 1, 2012
3:29 a.m.
It’s so damn dark. Except the road. It’s white. It all smears into gray for me. I wipe my eyes and grip the wheel and try to breathe through my pathetic crying.
I called Dad after the bar closed. Waiting for a cab, the wait for fucking ever. It was stupid—I knew…but I kept seeing them. The twins. Kellan—in that doorway. Jesus Christ. I want to fucking hold him. He’s my brother!
Lyon. My other brother.
So I called the doctor. On-call. I asked my shitty fucking dad if he’d seen Kellan. He laughed and asked who was calling.
“Your fucking son.”
