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Exhale.
Underneath my hand, I feel her warm, satiny throat move as she does the same. I smell her fruity lotion as I inhale; try to do it slowly.
“That’s right.” Her right hand holds my larger, half-curled left one tenderly against her collarbone. Despite not looking at her face, I’m pretty sure I feel the kindness of her gaze—just like I always do when I’m with her.
“Just breathe when I count. Okay? Exhale and hold for…one Mississippi, two Mississippi…” She counts to five, and I’m unable to do anything but breathe in time with her words.
“You’re Operators now. You have to manage your anxiety. Most of that is in the breathing.”
Shame moves through me in a sting of heat. I lose track of her counting, then try to grab a few, more shallow breaths to catch back up. It doesn’t work. My lungs feel like they’re shrinking. I feel my hands twitch.
“Do you have a paper bag?” her soft voice asks.
I shake my head, hating myself for this.
Her left hand on my right one presses gently. “What about some Xanax?”
I shake it again.
“That’s okay.” After a moment, she lets my left hand go and joins me on the couch. I feel her small, soft body as she moves in close beside me. Her free hand closes on my shoulder, urging me closer. But…I can’t.
Gwenna scoots closer to me, until she’s almost in my lap. She wraps a soft, warm hand behind my head and urges me to lean against her. This time, my mind is so fuzzy, my lungs are so damn tight, I can’t fight her. My face presses in between her chin and shoulder.
She inhales.
“You feel me breathe?” She wraps an arm around my shoulders—or tries to. I’m too wide for her to get it all the way around me, so she settles, pressing her small palm in the center of my back.
“Relax against me. Listen to my heartbeat. If you were to pass out—not that you will; worst case scenario… I’ll just hold you till you wake up.”
I manage to get a tiny breath.
“Good,” she whispers. She relaxes just a little too; I feel the softness of her chest against my pecs. “Just breathe when I do.” Her hand rubs my back.
I squeeze my eyes shut. I feel a wave of pressure build behind them. This is wrong. A fast, hard shudder jerks me. Gwenna holds me tighter.
“You can…go now.” I inhale with effort. Lift my head and blink, ignoring the hollow feeling behind my eyes. “I just need to sleep, I think.”
Her brown eyes are warm pools of c
oncern. Her hand slides from behind my neck up to my shoulder, then strokes down my triceps.
“When’s the last time you slept?”
Her hand wanders to the crease inside my elbow, fingers playing so gently, it causes goosebumps on my skin. Sound escapes my throat on a soft exhale.
Fuck. I lean away from her as my dick twitches. My heart is pounding so hard, I can hear the blood whoosh in my head.
“This didn’t used to happen,” I rasp. I didn’t plan to speak, but suddenly it’s vital to me that she know.
I feel her nod. “It’s okay. It’s just anxiety. Something must have built. Bothered you for a while and then snowballed. It can happen to anyone.”
I shake my head. I’m not like other people. I’m not anyone.
Do it now. This would be the perfect moment.
My eyes throb, then sting.
Her hand touches the side of my neck. “I’m so sorry, Barrett.”
