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We get in the shower again, laughing as we wash with get-your-dick-up soap—again.
Afterward, I dry Mills’ shoulders off, and towel dry his hair. When we’ve both got towels wrapped around our waists, I rub his shoulders down with lotion. Before I finish, he’s turning around to kiss me.
“I love you.”
“I love you more.”
We get caught up kissing—until I pull away because I’m scared he’ll ask for the D again, and I’ll give in and give it to him.
“You laid some good pipe,” he says, sounding sleepy, as we walk through his room.
“You…received it nicely?” We’re both laughing our asses off again as we walk downstairs to watch a movie on the couch.
We start Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, which I have no intention of watching, and I sort of hope he doesn’t either. I cover Mills up with a throw blanket and wedge myself between his back and the couch’s spine. He’s asleep before me, his big body twitching as the movie opens. I hug him and follow him down into dreamland.
In the dream, I’m in the closet, writing on the wall. I’m writing fuck you all. I’m writing please help me.
My mom is right outside the door. I don’t know why she won’t come in.
“Please…”
I can’t move. I’m lying on my side, curled up. I’m so cold. The floor is hard, and I think my hip’s bleeding.
Someone carries me out. There’s nurses everywhere. My mom is whispering. I open my eyes to a bright room and I’m strapped down to the bed. My mom’s not here.
“Ezra!”
I open my eyes, and Mills is blurry.
“Hey, angel.” He’s rubbing my arms, holding me against his chest. “You okay? That one took a minute.” He looks worried.
“What was I saying?” I manage to croak.
“You were saying your mom’s name,” he whispers.
He hugs me harder, rubbing my back. I’m still breathing hard and fast. “I gotchu, Ezzie. We’re okay. We’re on the couch.”
I nod. Tears are dripping down my face, still.
I wrap an arm around him. Miller is so warm and solid. He won’t let me be locked up.
“I love you.” He kisses my forehead, then my cheek. “Whatever happened, you didn’t deserve it. Okay?”
More tears drip down my cheeks, and I cover my face.
I realize I’m shivering—this weird thing that’s happened a few times after I wake up. I think it’s adrenaline or something. Miller hugs me tighter, puts his hand on my chest.
“You’re okay. Look at me. Breathe with me.”
I do, and when my eyes shut, he kisses my eyelids. His arms come around my shoulders, wrapping me up. I still feel weird. Like zoned out.
He tucks my head against his chest and rubs his palm over the back of my head…over and over—down my nape and down my back. My eyelids start getting heavy again.
“Every single day you’re alive takes you further from that shit,” he whispers.
Sometime later, I feel something tickling my forearm.
Mills murmurs, “Got some markers. Tatting you up.” He chuckles, and the feeling of him drawing on me puts me back to sleep.
Four
Josh
That’s one of the worst things for me. When his eyes open, but he can’t wake up. His brain stays where it was, and even if I rub him down and talk to him, and look into his eyes and kiss his cheeks, he can’t get back to me. Can’t stop crying. Can’t breathe.
I feel helpless. This time, he goes back to sleep when I start rubbing his back, but he’s twitching again just a couple minutes later. There’s some markers on the end table, left from when my little cousins visited a few months ago. So I grab the pack and draw a picture on his forearm, hoping that the tickling will feel good and keep his mind here with me.
I write Ezra and Josh in my best—still not that good—cursive and intertwine them, then draw ivy all around, and then an ocean in the background and a sunset on the left side. I tell him what I’m doing, and he’s smiling softly in his sleep like he approves. I add a little infinity symbol near the inside of his elbow, and his eyes lift open. He looks down and gives a sleepy grin, then leans up and kisses my lips.
He pulls me against him, wraps me in his warmth, and sinks back into sleep like he must be pretty tired. Probably the game and then the things we did today. We lost our virginities today. And it was fucking awesome.
I let myself relax with him and close my eyes. Think about college, in an apartment somewhere. Him and me, wrapped in some covers. Watching TV. Getting a shower together. In my dream, it’s cold outside and we’re putting our coats on. I can hear our parents talking.
“Are you ready to go?” I ask him.
