AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Miller misses you too.
MILLER.
I checked Brennan’s friend list. There was a guy named Josh Miller.
After a little bit of digging, I found out Josh Miller is my stepbrother. He’s the son of Dad’s new wife, Suzanne Miller. I lived with him. And he’s fucking gorgeous, dude. Looks like a surfer with a tan and wavy dark brown hair, blue eyes and freckles. When he smiles in Facebook pictures, he always looks slightly high. Like he’s…relaxed. And happy. He doesn’t look like a bigot.
When I look at him—
I might have had a crush on this guy.
So anyway- I found him on Snapchat. I friended him. It wasn’t even hard.
You know what is hard? My dick. All he posts is workout vids. He’s doing two-a-days. Sounds like he’s going to Montevallo to play soccer based on his posts. It’s a school in Alabama.
I watched him once this morning already.
It’s giving me life.
Just another secret. Got so fucking many, what’s one more? Stalker vibes here.
Been off all those meds from Sheppard Pratt and of course, my dick is fucking gay as shit again. I saw this guy Josh Miller’s dick outlined in his workout pants the other day and nearly came on myself. Every time I jerk off, I picture his relaxed surfer face as he comes, his mouth slightly open.
This Tuesday is my first workout with the team.
Maybe I should put that shit on Snapchat.
June 12, 2019
Practice yesterday was … crazy.
It was awesome. I threw and they liked it. An older guy on the team said he was jealous of me. One of their trainers asked me to show him how I whip my spirals.
They want me on the team. It’s not a mistake.
No one cares that I didn’t graduate from high school in the normal way.
The bookstore found out who I am and they’re all excited I work there.
I know- it’s all stupid. It’s not a big pond, and I’m not really a big fish. Not quite yet, anyway. But I am -a- fish. I’m a fish that’s here. I’m not at mom’s house.
She still has my Jeep. But I don’t care. When I have enough saved, I’ll buy an old motorcycle or something. At least a bicycle.
I bought a lava lamp.
I can’t sleep and getting tired.
I’ve been watching him, still.
My secret.
He seems tired, too. This morning he did a snap lying on a bed in what I think was a dorm.
I think about him all day. It’s okay, though. Still enjoying life here.
All good.
I’m a fucking football player.
June 19, 2019
There’s a guy from Fairplay here. His name is Marcel- the one I read about online. We met and he acted happy to see me, so I tried to act happy, too. Apparently we did a lot of cool shit together. I guess I need to find all of our highlight reels.
Practice is good. My arm is a superstar.
The rest of me- I don’t know.
I think something’s wrong with me. Maybe they’re right at SP even though they don’t know about Alton. I thought that was the source of all my problems since I was never crazy before I went there- but—
I’m sleeping a little more, thanks to some medicine the team doctor gave me. I have dreams now. When I do, there’s someone holding me. A guy. I can’t ever see his face. When I wake up, I have the same feeling I had on the day I ran away from SP. It’s this panicked feeling. Like a tightness in my throat and chest, so I feel like I’m suffocating. Something’s clawing at me. I feel like I need to run and run, until I get to…
What?
I almost feel like I’m on fire and desperate for someone to pour some water on me. It’s a -longing- feeling. I haven’t had an Alton dream in days. Only these dreams with these arms around me. It feels so good.
Then I wake up, I get the clawing feeling, and I pace around my room. Last night, I went on a walk at 1:30 a.m.
What if SP was right and I do have psychosis or bipolar?
Maybe that’s why I keep watching my stepbrother’s Snaps and his Insta stories all day and night like I’m addicted to him.
June 24, 2019
I tried some pot the other night at a party. Tbh I thought it was a pipe that had tobacco in it. Anyway, I didn’t like it. Now I’m nervous I’ll get drug-tested.
I’m never doing that shit again. I don’t like to feel weird.
Ever since the pot, things have been weirder. I’ve been sleeping a lot. It might be the new sleep medicine, but the sleep is weird and heavy, I guess like drugged sleep always is. I should maybe quit taking the stuff.
This weekend, I stayed in bed almost the whole time. Only ran once and only lifted once.
