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"He sending that to you?" To his credit, I think he tries to ask me in a neutral tone.
"If he was, would that be too weird for ya, Ross?"
"If you're gay?" He bugs out his eyes, and I bug mine out, too.
"Are you gay?" He's hissing. "You swing for that team, brother? All this time, I didn't know?"
I swallow. "I'm not in, but I'm not really out, either."
He tilts the phone down toward him. "I like this boy. He's got freckles. You gonna like a boy, you gotta like a white boy with blue eyes and freckles. I’ve got a cousin who's gay. Lil Nas X’s gay. On some ride that horse shit." Ross taps my phone. "This guy's the horse. Or you’re the horse?" He frowns at me. "You know what, I don't need that detail."
I swallow a laugh. “Does it make you think about me different?" I manage to ask—as quietly as I can.
"Naw. No different. Ben—you know, the tight end—he's got a baby mama back in Daphne. Two months and he's gon be big papa. That shit's weird."
"Are they together?" I ask.
He laughs. "Hell no. He's sending her money, but he's dicking his way through T-town."
We talk for a few more minutes before Ross puts his earbuds back in and starts tapping his foot to some beat I can't hear.
I text Millsy back. 'I love you. Pay for internet so our texts will go thru easier?’
He texts back, 'Did already.'
'Me too.'
'I gathered that.' He sends a laugh emoji. 'U almost there?'
I tell him we're landing in the next ten minutes, and he says, 'Taking off. Phone back on soon. Love u angel’
'Love u more Mills'
We land, and I can't text him because his phone's still off. I text Dad and Suzanne. There's a text from my mom that I notice while we're all waiting on baggage.
'I hope your time in California goes well'
I stand there biting my lip, trying to take deep breaths. Thinking of what Greeley told me.
"You can have contact or no contact,” they said. “It's all a matter of what you want. What feels right for you."
I've been trying to explain to both Greeley and Josh how my mom isn't a monster. Not completely, anyway. When she sent me to Alton, she had no idea what kind of shit they did there. It's not like they said it on the website. When she came to get me, I was so fucked in the head, she had no idea what to do…so she did the wrong thing. I know she did it out of fear. She didn’t want to face what happened to me, so she gave me to Sheppard Pratt and tried to play it all off like I was just mentally ill.
All of that is more forgivable than what she did this past year. I skim over her last few texts. They're all like this: short and to the point. Supportive, generally. But what’s that fucking worth? She wrecked my life—or came damn close. I hurt Miller so badly, and that, I can’t forgive.
Oh a whim, I send her the same pic I sent Luke and Vance: of me and Miller. Almost as soon as I send it, my stomach pitches and I wish I hadn't.
When my phone buzzes, I pray to God it's Miller again, updating me after his last text, which just said the takeoff went well and they were in the air. It's not Miller, though.
My mom's reply is like a kick to the chest. Even though I knew what to expect. I know how she is, and who she is. I know better than to be disappointed. But it still hurts.
'You know I can't accept this, Christopher. Homosexuality is a sin of the flesh. It's based on desire and lust and not the Bible's teaching. It is better to be celibate than living in a life of sin!!'
I want to text back, Is it better to be abused? Almost killed? Than to be gay. Is it better to be traumatized, shaking and sweating in a little office with a trauma therapist? All that shit is better than me being with the person I love more than anything?
I think of Greeley, what they told me, and I know what to do. Even if I have to grit my teeth to do it.
'I know that's how you feel. But I wanted to show you how happy I am. I'm getting well, Mom. Not from being gay, but from the stuff I went through at Alton. I also want you to know, when I was getting my birth certificate out of your closet drawer, I found some letters from Melinda. Your old best friend? Mom, I read the letters. So what if you’re bi, or even maybe gay like I am? I don’t judge you.’ I inhale deeply, hold the air in my lungs, blow the breath out. ‘You know what? It seems like we’re never gonna see eye to eye on this, so let’s not try to. Sincerely, Your Gay (Forever) Son, who goes by Ezra now, and loves Josh’
