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Are you, though? I wanted to ask.
Josh Miller is so easy. That's the thing I like. In a world of shit, from start to finish, he’s the one easy thing. A constant. The guy is a fucking Boy Scout. Like, for real. He got the Eagle Scout badge. I bet he could kill a bunny with a bow in the dark.
The guy would never have been sent off like I was, but if he had been? He'd have done the whole damn thing the way they wanted. He'd have—
No. Don’t.
Not tonight. I’ve got that shit roped off in my brain.
I spend a minute breathing, moving past the danger.
The breeze…
I like it.
I don't mind the way the shingles scratch my back when I move.
I hold my left hand up and look at it. It's alright. Healing.
I don't like this feeling where my heart is beating too hard, but I went too close to that stuff. Too close to the partition in my mind. I won't do it again.
I feel something on my hand, realize my Marlboro has burned itself into a flaky rope of gray ash. Light another one up.
School here starts tomorrow, and I could just cut the cord. Why make it messy? Why get wires crossed and...lines crossed? Why pretend I’m planning to stay?
I open my eyes and startle. It's dark. Oh fuck.
It’s just the sky.
I'm outside.
I feel the breeze and look down at myself. I fell asleep on the roof. Again.
Every night with this, and every night for the last few nights, all the looking over at his window.
I look at my finger again. Think of his hands. His hands at dinner and his hands around my hand. I see his hands wrapping my finger. They're not sharp and hard like mine. Miller's hands are thick, like you could squeeze them. They could squeeze you.
I'm not making sense. It's too late. Phone says 1:49. I checked the phone to see the light. I've got a text from Cara, but I'm not replying. I'm pretending to be with her so this guy she likes will get jealous. Stupid, stupid Ezra.
Anyway, it's a good ruse, and she knows. Cara knows it's only play. She doesn't like me. Landry does, though.
My eyes shut. I can't help it. Not a lot of good nights lately. No screaming, but still.
I like it outside. I would never roll off. Not relaxed enough. Just dozing. It's not quiet enough to seem like that place. I can hear the traffic.
I rub at the back of my hand.
Chicken pox. That makes me smile. Not my best lie.
I think of the cabin, and at first, it's almost good to remember. Sometimes I forget the cabin, with its rocking chairs and that big ax that used to rest against the front door's frame. Ryleigh, and the red berries. I smile.
God, that fucking cabin.
I feel like I'm floating through it as sleep drags me under. Holding me underwater. I don’t really want to die from drowning…
In the dream, I'm chopping wood. My shoulders and my triceps ache. It feels like there'll never be enough, but winter's coming. I can smell it in the air. The way the morning and the nighttime bites; that's a new thing for me.
It's not winter, but it will be, and I need to make her like it. I keep chopping and there's no more berries. Only bunnies. I should run. I should run despite the big fence. We should both run.
I wake with a whimper in my throat and Miller's hands holding my shoulders.
"Hey..."
I look up. Clouds over the moon, and Miller—right there.
He's still got my shoulders, warming my skin with his grip. He leans back a fraction. The clouds shift, and I see his face is twisted. “Dude, are you okay?”
I rub my eyes, trying to get my voice steady. "Fell asleep.”
“What are you doing out here?” he says. “It’s 2:30 the night before school starts.”
His hands move off me, and I sit up. Miller really does look wide-eyed, so I guess I must have screamed or something.
I give him a slow smirk. “You always get your beauty sleep, Millsy?”
“Not anymore.” He frowns and leans in closer, and I notice as he does that my eyes feel wet.
“Are you okay?” He asks it quietly.
I look at his good boy Miller face, his messy dark hair.
“Are you?”
I can't help leering at him. When I'm near him, it just fucking burns inside me. What a perfect, good boy Miller. I can see a nipple through his T-shirt, and I can't stop myself: I reach out and flick it.
He jerks back, hissing a curse, and that's when I see what's in his pants.
Josh
"What the fuck?"
I've only been awake two minutes. Woke up to Ezra screaming. I figured he'd fallen off the roof and broke his leg or something, so I hopped out the window as fast as I could.
