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Macen released her, ducked his head. How could he refute her when she was right? After Bill’s attack, he’d been so mired in his worries about Raine’s emotional fragility that he’d given her too much time and space. He’d actually hampered her recovery because he’d failed to simply love and reassure her.
“Precious, I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel that way. When I come home every night, you’re sleeping. I won’t wake a pregnant woman to service me. It’s goddamn selfish. But I swear neither my cock nor my flogger has touched another sub.”
“I see you every afternoon. We spend most every Sunday together. You haven’t once asked me to kneel.”
“I’m worried you’re not ready. I’d go the rest of my life without tasting your surrender again if that’s what you need. But don’t give up on us. You, Liam, and our baby are my whole world. I love you.”
“Do you?” Naked yearning filled her face. “Or did you only decide you wanted me because Liam did?”
He cradled her cheeks again. “I’ve always loved you. You know I’m fucking lousy at showing it.”
“Fix it. Communicate with me! You were so insistent I tell you everything I wanted, thought, felt… I’ve done my best to be open. I’ve turned myself inside out in freaking therapy because I want this to work. And you…” She sniffed back tears and clenched her fists. “I have no idea what’s in your head or why you pulled away or—”
“I didn’t save you from Bill, and I struggle to accept that failure every single day.”
“Do you think I blame you for what happened?” She looked stunned. “You didn’t provoke him.”
“I stopped paying the bastard. I knew he was violent. I didn’t think he’d dare to come after you.” Hammer looked away, regret choking him. “I was wrong.”
“Macen…” Her body softened as she pressed against him.
“I could have saved you all that terror for a measly two grand a month—and I didn’t. I can’t tell you how fucking sorry I am.”
“He blindsided me, too. What he did to my sister…” She pressed an earnest hand to her chest. “You kept him away from me for years so I didn’t wind up like Rowan. Please stop beating yourself up. He’s already taken so much from me. If he comes between us again, he wins.”
He curled his hands in her hair and tried impossibly to bring her closer. “I know. You’re right.”
“I wish you had told me how you felt sooner. I would have been here for you.” She curled her fingers around his shoulders. “I love you. I want to comfort you. I can’t when I don’t understand what’s wrong.”
“I used to be your rock but lately I’ve been fucking crumbling. Don’t ever think it’s because I don’t want you. Or don’t care. I find you wildly beautiful. I love everything about you.”
Tears fell. As she wiped them away, she cried fresh ones for him. “I thought you couldn’t feel that way anymore after everything Bill nearly did to me. I’ve tortured myself, worrying the whole truth would push you further away.”
“There was more to Bill’s attack than the police report stated?” The twisted shit compiled in that document already made Hammer’s blood run cold. And there was more?
Raine nodded, composing herself, like she sought to slip away somewhere safe in her head.
Hammer tensed. The depraved son of a bitch had been capable of raping and killing his wife and older daughter. Hearing that he had done more to Raine than either of them knew opened up a gaping black hole of dread. And she hadn’t told him because she’d been afraid? More guilt piled on.
Liam rose to his feet, appearing equally bowled over. “You’re not responsible for anything that sick fuck did, love. I’ve been by your side all this time. Why didn’t you confess your troubles to me?”
“I needed to tell you two together. And I won’t lie. There was so much shame.” She closed her eyes and pulled back. “I agreed to do dirty, terrible things to stay alive. I felt like I’d sold my soul.”
Jesus. Hammer grabbed her face again. “Listen to me. Whatever you had to do or say to survive won’t change how we feel.”
“We’ll always love you,” Liam vowed. “Tell us.”
She wrapped her arms around her middle, as if shielding herself from judgment. “When Bill had me trapped in the warehouse, I didn’t care about dying with dignity. So when he couldn’t get hard enough to rape me…h-he demanded a blow job. I told myself to give him what he wanted and not to throw up. Finally, he untied my hands so I could touch him. I grabbed the knife and…” Raine pressed a hand to her mouth, unwilling to finish that sentence. “You know the rest. Since then, I’ve been trying to live with the fact that I would have given him parts of myself I hold sacred for you two.”
