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I put the gun to my head and took the safety off. “I said no.”
31
Ash
No one moved, or at least it seemed that way until Raize streaked over to me, ripping the gun away and holding me against the wall with his arm pressed against my chest. His eyes were wide, shocked. He dropped the magazine clip from the gun, letting it fall to the ground, then he tossed the weapon to a chair behind him.
All the while, his eyes didn’t move from mine.
All the while, no one breathed in the room.
Then, a guttural sound ripped from him and he barked, “Out! Now!”
Cavers left first.
Jake moved at a slower pace and paused at the door. “Boss—”
Raize let me go, grabbing the door and slamming it shut. Jake had a choice to either get hit or move out of the way. He scrambled into the hallway and Raize locked the door.
I moved away from him.
“You’d kill yourself?” he demanded.
I opened my mouth, but no words came. I closed it again and hung my head.
“Are you suicidal?”
I closed my eyes, folding over to sit on Raize’s loveseat. I rested my forehead to my knees and took a breath.
Just one goddamn breath. Tears blurred my vision.
What was I doing?
I didn’t know anymore.
“You told me you had a list. You’d give that up?”
I said nothing.
“Answer me!”
I couldn’t. I was choking on my tears.
A normal boyfriend, or even a normal friend, might move closer. They might’ve touched me, gently. They might’ve hugged me.
This was not that situation. This was so not that situation.
Raize hung back, staring at me until I lifted my face.
He winced and looked away for a moment, but then the wall slammed down over him. He was unsettled.
I almost started laughing. “You have no idea how to handle me.”
He went still again, and when he finally looked my way, there was a glimmer in his eyes I’d never seen before.
He almost looked human, not such a robot. He could’ve been someone I’d known in my fantasy life. Maybe a hot college guy? A jock? No. A soldier—someone who’d come back from doing a tour, had some time off, and I met at a bar? That seemed more fitting.
“I’m not suicidal,” I told him.
“You put the gun to your head.”
“I…” I didn’t even know. I couldn’t explain what I didn’t know. “Ask me about Jake in a different way.”
“There is no other way.”
“You know there is! Ask it in a different way.” I shoved up to my feet. This was the fight here.
I was sick of the killing.
I could not handle one more body, especially not someone I knew.
My chest heaved. “Ask it in a different way.”
I liked Jake. I was hurt by what he said, but he wasn’t on my list anymore.
I frowned. “What happened with Cavers?”
“None of your business!” he erupted, his hands flying in the air, but he was moving farther away from me. His back hit the wall, and he let me see him, how haunted he was, how stricken. He let it all out for me to see and read, though I wasn’t sure he knew it. “I don’t run my decisions through some pussy I like plowing.”
Okay, now I was mad.
“Take that back,” I said quietly.
He swore, low and long. Then he moved, flipping a chair into the wall. It impaled there, and the wall held it. It looked like an abstract piece of art.
“Take it back!” I clipped out, folding my arms over my chest.
He looked away.
I didn’t know what was going on here, but fuck him if he didn’t take back calling me pussy he liked to plow.
I screamed, “Take it back!”
“No!” He was across the room and in my face in the next second.
I braced myself, but he didn’t touch me.
He stopped just short of it, his breath in my cheek, his eyes taking me in, scanning my face.
He was panicking.
I saw it now, lurking there.
Good! That filled me with satisfaction.
My chest started pounding.
No, that was my heart.
It was thumping in my chest, getting stronger, faster—a steady and powerful beat now. I could feel it all the way to my toes—in my fingers, my neck. His eyes lingered on my lips.
He couldn’t look away.
Stark hunger flashed in his eyes, and he raised a hand, holding it in the air.
It curved gently, as if he wanted to touch my neck, or the side of my face.
But he didn’t move. He just held it there, a few inches from my skin.
His eyes lifted to mine. “You bitch.”
My heart still pounded, trying to reach him. “You’re a murdering asshole,” I whispered back, seething.
“What?” he sneered. “You want to fuck now? Forget you put a fucking gun to your head?”
“Don’t kill Jake.”
He pressed into me, his eyes wild, on the edge of control. “Why?” His breath was hot on me. He bent down, his eyes glittering now.
