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I felt my new neighbors eyes on me. I never knew that someone watching you could somehow feel like a caress.
I itched to turn around and look at her, but I kept my head bowed and continued walking.
I hadn’t been able to get her off my mind last night, and for once I’d gone to sleep thinking about a woman, and not my family. Something about her was captivating. Yeah, she was fucking gorgeous, but it was more than that. I’d come across many beautiful women in the last five years and none of them did more for me than provide a quick escape. Sutton…I knew she’d be different.
I turned the corner and no longer felt her penetrating stare.
Rolling my shoulders, I burrowed into a protective stance as I continued my walk—heading for the place I came to at least once a week.
I was always sober when I came to the cemetery.
It was necessary in order to let the feelings of loss and abandonment seep into my pores.
This was the only time I couldn’t allow myself to be numb.
I needed to hurt.
It was the least I deserved for letting them die.
I’d never forgive myself for not being there—for not saving them. I knew if I was there I could have done something.
Instead, I was out partying, and fucking a girl who in the end I couldn’t even remember her face.
That night—finding them—destroyed some fundamental piece of my soul. It took away any feelings of joy and left in its wake a rotting black hole. I ruined everything I came into contact with. I was a shitty person. I did bad things and didn’t feel a smidgen of grief for it. I liked to play with things, twisting and bending them to my will. I really wanted to play with Sutton. Her fiery personality ignited something in me that I couldn’t quite pinpoint yet. She was dangerous for me and I’d do well to stay away. I feared that’d be impossible though. People like Sutton, they suck you into their orbit, centering you and becoming your gravity—even if only for a moment.
I didn’t know the woman, and these were silly thoughts to have.
Maybe I was still high from the hit I’d had hours ago.
I knew that was impossible, but I would’ve liked to believe it, because it scared me to think that one person might have such a profound affect on me after only one encounter.
I tried to convince myself that it was her beauty that had me thinking such pining and poetic thoughts.
But it wasn’t that.
It was…her.
She hadn’t looked at me with disgust or pity. She’d certainly been irritated with me barging into her apartment, but I didn’t see any of the usual looks on her face that I got from other people. In the last five years I had grown used to people looking down upon me. I didn’t blame them for it. Fuck, I looked down on myself. I knew my parents would be ashamed if they knew how I turned out after their deaths. They’d probably string me up and flog me. The knowledge didn’t serve to make me want to change though. I didn’t think anything ever would. I had become far to use to letting drugs and alcohol take over every facet of my life so that I didn’t have to deal with shit. Some called it self-medicating. I called it the-only-thing-that-didn’t-disappoint-me. My family may have been the ones that died that night, but I might as well have too, because I sure as hell stopped living.
Kyle was the only person that stuck by my side, and even we weren’t usually on good terms. For some reason, he refused to ditch my sorry ass. I think he’d never forgive himself if something happened to me. He felt responsible for my downward spiral since he thought if he’d come home with me that night he could have somehow kept me from breaking apart. Nothing could have prevented my reaction, but he didn’t understand that. He hadn’t had his only family ripped from him. Like everyone else, he couldn’t relate no matter how hard he tried.
When I stepped into the cemetery a feeling of peace swirled through my body.
They were close.
I made the familiar steps to my family’s graves.
“Hi guys,” I said, taking my position between my sister and mother’s graves. I lay down on my back, stretching my arms behind my head. “I’ve missed you.”
I closed my eyes, pretending they answered and asked me how my day was.
“I painted a new picture of you, Cayla. I think you’d like it. You were in the park, chasing butterflies like you used to do. Do you remember that?”
The wind tickled my cheeks and I smiled, imagining it was Cayla’s laughter.
“Somebody moved into the apartment across from mine. Her name’s Sutton. And…” I trailed off. “I don’t know what to think about her—whether I like her or hate her. I think I like her. Hating her would be easier though.” I whispered, my eyes still closed as I pictured my mom, dad, and sister all seated around the kitchen table as we talked like we used to. “I’ve hated everyone since you guys left me.”
“Why, Caelan?” Cayla asked—or at least I wished she did.
