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I shoot a smile as the waiter brings us our espressos. To Ansel I say, “I … uh … I was thinking about the rumors.”
“The rumors,” he repeats, his jaw ticking. Even though he’s been supportive I know the situation makes him angry. “They weren’t really rumors, though, Dani,” he reminds me.
It’s the use of Dani instead of Meadows that tells me how pissed he still is. He’d probably punch Lachlan if he ever saw him again.
“Most of them were.” My voice is small. I stare down at the tiny white espresso cup on a matching plate.
“You still slept with him.”
I bite my lip, feeling the telltale sting of tears. I rub my finger around the rim of the cup. “I know you can’t begin to understand it, but we had a connection that was … unexplainable. We both fought our feelings for so long and I kept telling myself I had an innocent crush but it was so much more.” I finally bring the cup to my lips, taking a small sip.
“You really loved him, didn’t you? Not infatuation but true love?”
I give a jerk of my head. “Yeah, I did. I still do. Feelings like these are too strong to just go away. I wish they would but they don’t.”
He stares across the table at me unblinking. “No one deserves to have their heart broken like that.”
“Heartbreak is inevitable.” I shrug like it’s not a big deal, but it is.
I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone in this world as much as I love Lachlan. It’s not that I don’t think I might fall in love again one day, but I know it’ll never come up to the power of my emotions for him. Some things are one of a kind.
“Besides,” I continue, “I’ve lived through worse.”
I’m beginning to finally accept that there is no way to truly move on from that day and the subsequent months of pain, surgeries, and rehab. It’ll always live within me, the haunting memories, but I have to go on and live in spite of it. My suffering doesn’t hurt anyone but myself.
Ansel taps his finger against the table. “Want to talk about it?”
I shake my head, looking away from him.
Talking about it hurts too much.
“You can talk to me about it. When you’re ready.”
I force a smile for his benefit, not mine. “I know.”
And I do, but it’s scary to talk. Lachlan is the only person I’ve shared the most intimate details of my mind with. My pain, my fears, the darkest parts of myself that recoil from the light. I gave it all to him and in the end he left me. What’s to say Ansel wouldn’t do the same?
I finish my espresso and he does the same. We pay the
check and he stands, shrugging into his jacket.
Offering his hand to me, he gives a small smile. “Come on, Meadows. We have a city to explore.”
Chapter Seventy-Two
“If you won’t come here, maybe I should go there for Christmas.”
“Sage, that’s really not necessary. It’s a long flight and it’s one Christmas. We’ll spend next Christmas together.”
“Anything can happen, D. I was supposed to spend Christmas with you and mom two years ago but that didn’t happen.”
I rub my hand against my forehead, knowing he has a valid point.
I’m not ready to go home, even for a visit, but I’m worried having Sage here will be like having reality smack me in the face. But I know I can’t keep refusing my brother.
“Actually, come, it’ll be nice to see you.”
It doesn’t seem possible that it’s been six months since I saw my brother, but it has been. Time’s been passing quickly, but I guess it has helped that I’ve been on the move so much. There’s been so much to explore since I left the States and so much is only a train ride away here. Plus, with the rich histories there’s always something to learn.
