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“Oh,” she breathed a sigh of relief. “I can tell you really like him.”
“I do,” I admitted. “He’s great.”
“I wish I could meet him,” she sighed.
I swallowed. “Why don’t you leave dad?” The words tumbled from my mouth. I knew the real reason why she wouldn’t leave, but I wanted to hear what she had to say.
She put her burger down and studied me. “How could I leave him, Liv? I have no money of my own. I have nowhere to go or stay. I have nothing and he made sure of that,” she whispered the last part under her breath. “And honestly, Liv,” tears shown in her eyes, “I’m afraid of him.”
I was shocked that she admitted to me that she was afraid of him but I was careful not to let it show.
I reached across the table and took her hand. “I don’t like that you have to live like this, mom.”
“It is what it is,” she sighed. “He won’t change and I can’t leave. I’m stuck. It’s better if I pretend like I’m happy and everything is okay,” she rubbed her eyes. “I shouldn’t talk bad about him, he’s your father, but…” She paused. “Once, when you were about five, I had been putting money away. He’d give me money for groceries and I’d keep the change; hide it away, that sort of thing. One day, he found the box I was hiding it in. He got so angry. So angry,” she repeated, her voice barely above a whisper. “After that…”
“You stopped trying to find a way out,” I supplied.
She nodded. “It wasn’t worth it.”
“How-how did you meet dad?”
A wistful look stole across her face. “In high school. He was a senior and I was a sophomore. He was…so handsome and charismatic. I could talk to him for hours. He was nothing like he is now.”
“What changed him?” I picked up a sweet potato fry.
“He changed after we got married,” she sighed. “He turned into a completely different person. I felt like I was living with a stranger. He had fooled me and,” she shrugged, “I was stuck.”
“Why didn’t you leave then? Why stay and get pregnant with me?” I wasn’t sure I wanted my questions answered but I had to know.
Tears glassed her eyes. “It’s time you k
now the truth, Liv.” She bit her lip, crumpling the napkin between her fingers.
Panic coursed through my body. “What? What truth? What are you talking about?” I stuttered. What was going on? She was looking at me seriously and the tears were starting to trickle down her cheeks.
I began to sweat; feeling like a bomb was about to be dropped on me. I wanted to run but my feet wouldn’t move. I gripped the slick wood table in my hands.
“Early in my marriage with Aaron, I volunteered at the local library. That’s when I met Derek,” she smiled longingly and I began to shake my head at her words. “He was even more handsome than your father. Dark wavy hair and his smile…it lit up the room, Liv.” Her eyes grew clouded with the distant memory. “All of the ladies that worked at the library were infatuated with him, even the older ladies. He was so charming that he was impossible not to fall for.” My need to run was steadily increasing but I still couldn’t move. “He was at the library almost every day to study. He wanted to be a doctor. I found myself making excuses to go by there, even when I wasn’t volunteering,” her smile waned. “One day, we got to talking and…” she looked down at the table, taking deep breaths. This was hard for her. “I was craving companionship but Aaron was too busy studying to be a preacher. It started out innocently. I just wanted someone to talk to, I needed someone to listen to me,” she reached across the table for my hand and I gave it to her. “I fell in love with him. I didn’t mean to, but I did,” her eyes pleaded with me to understand. “I was going to leave Aaron for him-” She shook her head back and forth, fighting for composure.
A part of me wished I could go back in time and undo what she was saying. I didn’t want to hear this and I had a pretty good idea where this was headed.
“Derek and I were going to move in together and after the divorce was final with Aaron, we’d get married. I saw a lawyer and had the papers ready to give Aaron. I was waiting for the right moment. That’s when…that’s when I found out I was pregnant, with you.”
“Mom,” I croaked, “no. Don’t say it. Please, don’t say it.”
“That was also the same day,” her voice cracked, “that Derek got into a car accident.”
“No, no, stop,” I begged. I wanted to cover my ears but I couldn’t make my hands move. I was paralyzed.
“He didn’t make it and I never got the chance to tell him about you,” she sobbed.
“Please, stop,” I cried.
I knew I should be happy, and a part of me was, that Aaron Owens wasn’t my biological father. But everything I knew, was being shattered to pieces by a few words.
“Derek is your dad, Liv, not Aaron,” she squeezed my hand. “Aaron knew. There was no way you could be his, and I’m so sorry, because he hated you for it. I tried to leave for you. I did, Livie. I tried so hard,” her sobs could be heard through the restaurant. They probably wanted to kick us out. “This is all my fault.”
I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do or what to say.
