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“The contract I signed for the adoption,” I paused, momentarily overcome by sadness, “he can’t know anything until he’s eighteen. Once I signed that, I knew there was no way I could tell you.”
“Why not?” He growled. “I would’ve fought for him! I would’ve gotten our son back!” He yelled, his chest heaving. “I wouldn’t have let him suffer with that wretched woman! I may not know your mother, but I know enough to understand that she is the last person that should have custody of our child!”
“I know that, now,” I whispered. “I regret it so much.” I couldn’t contain my sob. “Every day for the last five years, I’ve had to live with what I’ve done. It’s killed me to live with this. You don’t know what it’s been like!” My whole body shook with the force of my emotions.
“Of course I don’t,” he tore angrily at his hair, “because I didn’t fucking know!”
“I can’t take back what I did, Trent,” I whispered, unable to look at him. “What’s done is done, and I have to suffer for my decision for the rest of my life.”
“How did you hide it?” He asked.
“Huh?” I was confused of his meaning.
“We went to school together. I saw you five days a week and I never knew you were pregnant. I didn’t even suspect it. How did you hide it?” He repeated his question, looking straight at me, daring me to look away.
“I-I always wore baggy shirts, and I didn’t get that big. So, it was easy to hide,” I stammered, my hands wringing together with nervousness.
“When you were out with mono for like two months, that’s when you had him isn’t it?”
I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip.
“Did anyone else, except your mom, know you were pregnant? ” He continued to fire questions at me. I had expected this, but they were still hard to answer.
“Just my mom and Jim, my step-dad,” I shrugged. “And Ivy, my sister, was too little to remember.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?” He asked, rubbing his face, and his voice suddenly sounded exhausted.
“Of course,” I gasped, offended that he thought I’d take this secret to the grave. “I had to wait until Tristan turned eighteen, but I was going to tell you. Please, never doubt that, Trenton.”
“I just…I don’t know what to think of you,” he scrubbed a hand
tiredly over his face. “I can’t believe you didn’t trust me enough to tell me when you found out. I told you that I loved you! I would’ve loved our son too! Fuck,” he groaned, burying his face in his hands, “I already love him and I don’t even know him. I’ve only seen him once,” his voice grew soft, his eyes far away. “I-I want to see him again,” his gaze met mine with a steely determination.
“No,” I shook my head. “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t let you see him.”
His face reddened. “He’s my son, I deserve to see him!” He exploded with anger and I was surprised he didn’t jump up from the chair and storm across the small space towards me.
“He can’t know. Oh God, he can’t know,” I repeated, my fight or flight senses kicking in, meaning I was about ten seconds away from running out the door.
“Jesus Christ, Rowan!” He exclaimed, making me jump. “I’m not asking you to tell him that I’m his dad! I just want to see him! I want to talk to him, please,” his tone softened as he begged. “When I saw him…everything was such a shock that I don’t even really remember what he looks like.”
“I don’t know,” I whispered, my hands shaking. “My mom—”
“You can let me know when your mom’s gone and I can come over then,” he interrupted me. “I know you’re…” he trailed off. “Anyway, she doesn’t have to be around.”
“She never leaves,” I mumbled, picking at my fingernail so I didn’t have to look at him. I’d looked at him all I could stand. It hurt too much seeing him. I’d suffered enough pain, I didn’t need to add to it.
“Then meet me somewhere with him. Please,” he begged, his eyes pleading with me to give in.
“I don’t know if I can,” I bit my lip. “Tristan might say something, and if it gets back to my mom…” Bad things would happen. Things Trent couldn’t, and wouldn’t, protect me from.
“Fine,” he ground out through his teeth. “Don’t let me see him.”
He stood, pushing the chair back against his desk with a calmness I knew he didn’t really possess. “I think you should leave now,” he whispered with his back to me.
I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me.
I stood, laying the book on the bed. “That’s…that’s for you,” I said slowly, as he peeked around at me.
