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Only, instead of two wicked stepsisters, I had the kindest, sweetest, kids waiting for me back home. They’d hold me together through my grief, they wouldn’t understand what had upset me, but they’d be there to offer their quiet comfort.
When we got off the plane one of the crewmembers loaded our bags into Trent’s car. I couldn’t quite get used to the fact that Trent had other people to do such simple tasks. I felt like I should help the man with my suitcase, but I knew that would only offend him, and I didn’t want that.
“Something’s wrong with you,” Trent stated once we were driving home. His jaw was stiff and his knuckles had turned white where he gripped the steering wheel.
I opened my mouth to assure him that I was fine, but he spoke over me.
“Don’t you fucking dare say you’re okay,” he reached up, adjusting his sunglasses. “I know you, and you can’t lie to me. You’re hiding something from me. I wish you could see that you can trust me. I’d never betray you, Row, never,” he beat his fist against the steering wheel. “I can feel you pulling away from me again, and I fought so hard to get you back. Don’t fucking do this to me again,” he pleaded.
I didn’t know what to say as he ranted. I didn’t think there was anything I could say. If I opened my mouth, only lies would spill out, and there was already an ocean of them between us.
“I know you don’t want me to say it, Rowan, but I love you. Do you hear me?” He glanced at me. “I love you! I love you! I. Love. You. Whatever is going on with you, you can tell me and we’ll work through it together. Nothing could ever change my feelings for you.”
I swallowed thickly, choking on the sudden lump that had lodged itself in my throat. “I know you think that now, but there are some truths about me that you don’t want know.” Tears filled my eyes, but they didn’t spill over. Trent’s mouth fell open in shock as he noted the shimmering in my eyes. He knew me well enough to know that I never cried, and rarely came even close to it.
“I want to know everything about you, damn it!” He slammed his hand against the steering wheel. “The good, the bad, everything. None of it will change how I feel about you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” I whispered, looking down at my shaking hands.
He thrust his fingers through his hair, making it stick up in uncontrollable directions.
“Just tell me. Whatever it is, just tell me,” he pleaded with me, but it was to no avail.
“I can’t!” I screamed. “Do you understand what I’m saying? I can’t! I didn’t say I won’t, I said I can’t,” my voice lowered to a softer tone, but my breathing was accelerated, my loud breaths currently the only sound in the car.
“What…” He paused. “What does that mean?”
“It means,” I crossed my arms over my chest, glaring at the side of his face as he drove, “that I was a naïve child and I put my trust in the wrong fucking person,” I growled, and he stiffened at my use of foul language. I wasn’t one to cuss, at least out loud, and I never spoke this passionately. “I signed my fucking life away, Trenton!” My lower lip trembled with the threat of tears, tears I had refused to cry for five years. “I gave up everything for no reason! I’m legally bound to my silence! I gave up my entire life for nothing!” My breath was coming out in short shallow gasps. “Pull over,” I gripped the door handle tightly in my fist. “Pull over!”
He did, watching me with shock on his face as I broke down.
As soon as the car was stopped I was out, pacing the side of the busy road.
I couldn’t believe I’d told him all of that.
I should’ve never
opened my mouth.
Oh. My. God.
I sunk to my knees, gravel digging into the thin cotton of my leggings, and let my head fall forward into my hands. None of my tears fell, even though I willed them too.
I clutched my stomach, letting my head fall forward as a scream tore through my throat.
I couldn’t do this.
This lie was suffocating me.
It was going to kill me.
And I was going to let it, because I had no choice.
Everybody thinks they have a choice in life.
Not me.
All my choices were taken from me at sixteen years old.
