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“How long did it take you?” I ask him suddenly. “To … move on?”
He winces and presses his lips together so they’re nothing but a thin straight line. “I don’t know that I’ve ever truly moved on. I still miss Angela every day, but there’s not this aching, gaping wound in my chest anymore. I think I’ll always miss her and think about her, but maybe it’ll get to the point that it’s not every day and only occasionally—but I hope that’s not the case. I’m good now, great most days, but I don’t want to ever forget her.”
“How … never mind.” I shake my head and look away.
“How’d she die?” he asks for me. He flicks a dark piece of hair away from his eyes, waiting for me to answer.
“You don’t have to tell me.” My words are no more than a whisper.
“That question doesn’t bother me, not anymore, at least.” He shrugs and takes a sip of coffee before clearing his throat. “It was breast cancer,” he answers. “She was young to get such an aggressive form and she didn’t find out until she was four months pregnant.” He looks to Cole with a forlorn smile. “Her doctors wanted her to get an abortion, but she refused. She wouldn’t have given up this little guy for anything.” His smile grows and he reaches over, poking Cole’s cheek lightly. The little boy giggles in response and then looks at me shyly.
“And what about you?” I ask. “Did you … agree with her decision?”
“Honestly? No, not at first. It’s different for guys. We don’t have a child growing inside us, so we don’t feel that immediate bond. We argued a lot about it. We both knew she was giving up her life for our child’s by not undergoing treatment, and I constantly reminded her that she could get better and we’d have other children.” He sighs. “But Angela was stubborn, and she refused to do it. She wanted him no matter what. Watching her grow weaker and weaker through her pregnancy was hard. It was even harder watching her prepare the nursery and knowing she wasn’t going to be here to use it.” His eyes fill with unshed tears. “And then Cole was born and they placed him in my arms and I got it. I finally got it. I never questioned her decision after that. She died two weeks later, and even though she was so tired and weak, I think those were the happiest two weeks of her life.”
Ryder’s story crushes my already aching heart. He surprises me by not asking about how I lost Ben, but I’m even more surprised by the fact that I want to tell him. He understands the kind of heartache I feel and it’s nice to be able to talk to someone who gets it. I’m sick of being looked at with pity and being told, “I’m so sorry,” or “It’ll be okay.” Neither are things I want to hear right now.
“It was a car crash,” I say, looking down at the worn table and then up at Ryder. “Ben was a doctor, and he was on his way to start a late shift and …” I feel the tears come and slide down my cheeks, and I look away hastily so he can’t see me cry.
I startle a moment later when warm fingers grip my chin and turn me back. Ryder looks at me intensely, like he sees me—not the physical me, but the pain and suffering and heartache I feel underneath.
“Don’t hide from me,” he whispers, his own tears still threatening to fall from his eyes. “Don’t ever be ashamed of what you feel. You’re allowed to cry, Blaire, and no one will judge you for it. Definitely not me.”
“Why does this kind of stuff happen?” I ask him. “It’s not fair.”
He lets go of my chin and sits back. “No, it’s not fair,” he agrees, “but it’s life and life is rarely fair. I used to stay up every night and ask myself what I did wrong in my life to deserve losing Angela, and then on one of those nights I realized there wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do. These things just happen. It’s not a personal attack on you or me. It was a freak thing, and that’s it.”
“I’ve been doing that,” I admit. “Asking myself what I did to deserve this,” I confess, wiping my tears on the sleeve of my sweatshirt.
“It’s normal,” he tells me, glancing toward Cole. “I think we all go through that when we lose someone tragically.”
“Getting that call …” I begin. “I’ve never felt so panicked and helpless before.”
He winces. “Death is never easy, but at least I had some preparation with Angela.”
I think over his words. “I think in some ways that would be worse. Every moment you’d wonder if it was your last.”
“True,” he agrees. “It just sucks all the way around.”
I nod. “We were engaged,” I tell him.
His eyes flit to my finger. “And you’re still wearing the ring.”
“I am. You’re not.” I nod at his fist resting on the table.
He opens his hand and lays his palm flat on the table. “I used to. I only took it off recently. I think you know when it’s time.”
“Two months ago I thought I had my whole life ahead of me, and now I see nothing.”
He shakes his head rapidly. “No, no, that’s completely wrong. You have a life, you have everything. Especially now.” He waves his hands toward my stomach. “Not everyone gets to hold onto their love that way.” His eyes flit to Cole. “But it’s really special when you do.”
“Right now I’m still too sad and scared to see that. What if I never do?” I worry my bottom lip between my teeth.
He reaches across the table and wraps his hand around mine, giving it a small squeeze. “You will, I promise.”
“Thank you,” I tell him. “
For letting me come over and talking. I ... I feel a lot better.”
