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I shook my head. “I’m not okay. I’m better but I’m far from okay,” I said softly.
We stopped at a pizza shop on our way home. Jonathon managed to eat a whole pizza by himself. I laughed and it felt good to be able to laugh freely and with enjoyment. He told me jokes and made funny faces. But the best was when he had pizza sauce all down his chin and he didn’t even notice. It was nice to be able to do something so human with Jonathon. Normally, when we went out he didn’t eat, simply because he didn’t have to. I told him we would have to go to the cinema so he could experience popcorn like a real live boy. He said he’d like that and I knew I would. I had to go on with my life. I had to learn that it would be okay to smile and laugh and just be happy. I couldn’t be miserable for the rest of my life. I had to live. Eventually.
Chapter Twenty-Six: Moving On
I was moving on. Starting fresh. I had to in order to cope with the magnitude of my losses. I had thought it was hard losing my dad but that was nothing compared to the grief I now lived with. The images of that night kept replaying in my mind. I kept feeling her arm come around me. I could feel the knife in my hand but I couldn’t make it go. Then I would see nothing and the knife would soar through the sky and sink into empty, shimmering, air that would then turn into Benji. Benji who died protecting me. That whole night played in my head in constant motion. I was mentally exhausted every night because I kept reliving those events. I just wanted it to stop. The image that played the most in my mind was that of Isaac with the sword through his abdomen. His sacrifice hurt me the most because he was the closest to me. Danny and Mason had taken Benji’s death pretty hard. When you’re immortal you don’t have to deal with the death of other immortals very much and so this was a first for them. But no matter how often you are surrounded by death you can never get over it. These events, like my father’s murder, will haunt me for the rest of my life. I know that I will never get over it. It will be a struggle every day I am alive. I’ve been given the gift of life and somehow I have to appreciate it and make use of every day I have because it might be my last. It’s hard to live your life in days not years or decades. Most imagine growing old but instead I picture my death. It’s hard living every day with the mindset that your days are numbered. I’m trying to let everything that happened go but it’s more difficult than I ever imagined. Jonathon knew I was struggling to deal with everything but he didn’t know what to do and quite frankly I didn’t know what to tell him. I was hurting and I was haunted. When you see so many people die it changes you. How can it not? Death isn’t always peaceful. Death isn’t always quiet. Or calm. It doesn’t always come softly in the night when you’re old and gray. No, sometimes it comes when you’re young and it’s violent. When you die young it comes with a bang. It’s a surprise. A shock. You don’t see it coming. Isaac didn’t see it coming. None of them did. Jonathon told me to expect casualties but I could see that he believed no one would die and because he believed it I did to. When you trust someone as much as I trust Jonathon it’s hard not to believe what they believe. I told him I was trying to move on and I was, but sometimes it can take months, even years, to move on.
I had to take everything day by day. Moment by moment. I was learning to appreciate the small stuff. I had even learned to enjoy Mason and Jonathon’s bickering. I never thought I would say that but I did. It proved we were alive. If you can argue you have to be alive right? I knew that I wasn’t the only one changed by that night; not just that night but every horrible thing she did. Mason and Danny had lost some of their childish delight they had become men instead of boys. Jonathon always seemed to have a dark dangerous glint in his eyes. Patrick and Amelia always seemed sad and even more determined to spend every moment together. Diana seemed in a fog. Joseph seemed to be the only one who was still semi-normal. He still joked and laughed but on the inside I could see he was hurting just as much. His jokes were just a cover up. I wondered if any of us would ever be the same. I missed the light hearted ways of when I first met them all. I felt like a heavy dark cloud hung over us now. We were all just going through the motions. They told me that conflicts between vampires rarely arise and that the situation with Selena was almost unheard of. Jonathon said that fights and disagreements between vampires were becoming more common but he couldn’t figure out the cause. I hoped this would be the last skirmish we would have to endure. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I was eighteen years old but I felt more like eighty. I felt like all the turmoil we had endured had aged me beyond my years. I was done with it all. I felt like I might never get my happy ending. Maybe I was just going to have my kingdom plagued by dragons for the rest of my life.
I felt like all we did anymore was just sit around and stare at the walls and each other. We didn’t talk anymore. None of us. Even my conversations with Jonathon were short. It’s like none of us had the energy to do anything anymore. We had all just retreated into our shells. It was now the end of September almost October. It was close to being almost a year since I met Jonathon. A year since my life began to change for the good and the bad.
I knew if I had the chance to go back and change things I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change a thing. Everything happens for a reason and my life is no different. My path has been laid out for me and I have to walk it. Who I am has met who I will become and there is no going back. You can’t live in the past forever. You have to get up and live your life. I’m moving on. Starting now.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: Waking
I blinked my eyes rapidly as if waking from some kind of stupor. We were all just sitting around in the living room doing nothing. It was like we had been hibernating, lying dormant, until it was time for us to resurface once again. That time was now.
“Snap out of it,” I said standing. It had been a little over a month since the battle in the back yard. Their eyes followed me. I had no idea how long we had just been sitting there but my muscles were stiff and squealed in protest from the unwelcome movement. “Come on get up. Move. I know you can do it,” I said swatting Mason’s legs off of their resting place on the coffee table. I was surprised that I was able to move them. I grabbed Jonathon’
s hands and with his help pulled him up. “We have to stop mourning. We have to start living. It’s okay to grieve. I still am but I can’t sit here like a zombie anymore. I have to move on. Let’s go do something. Anything,” I begged and pleaded.
Patrick stood and helped Amelia up and he held tightly to her hand. “You’re right. We’re not helping anybody by sitting here. We need to be productive.”
“Exactly,” I said and smiled.
“What can we do?” whined Mason. Danny swatted him behind the head. Mason shrugged. “Sorry, I’m just not in the mood to do anything. It just doesn’t seem right. Benji’s gone.”
I went over and hugged Mason who had finally stood. “Mason, I know Benji was your best friend aside of Danny but you’re not honoring his death by sitting here moping. Benji was a funny guy. Always playing pranks and telling jokes that Jonathon was unfortunately the brunt of,” I said with a smile at my soul mate. “You are doing him a disservice by not living your life. He wouldn’t want you to sit here and wallow in misery. I know that Isaac wouldn’t want me to do that. He would want me to move on with my life. I’m only just now realizing that and I only hope it’s not too late. I want to honor my best friend’s death with my life. I want to do everything that he didn’t get the chance to do. I want to jump from a plane; I want to do things that scare me and prove that I am alive.”
Mason sighed and his chest heaved. I knew he was trying not to cry. “You’re right. How are you always right?” He moaned.
“It’s a gift.” I smiled and mock punched him in the arm.
“Alright so what are we doing? I say we learn to knit,” said Mason jokingly. I smiled a real smile. Maybe we would get back to normal.
“I say we don’t do that,” said Joseph with a smile pointing an accusing finger at Mason.
Mason grinned, “Do you have a better idea?”
Joseph shrugged, “I’d rather stab myself with a fork than learn to knit.”
Diana spoke up from the arm chair, “Knitting is actually very therapeutic. I enjoy it in my free time.”
“Diana you have nothing but free time. What else do you do?” said Joseph.
Diana blushed. “Well, lots of things. I brush my hair. I look at my clothes. I read. I recite poetry among many other things,” she said finishing in her soft beautiful voice.
“Well, I am not doing any of those things,” said Danny from beside Mason.
Diana shrugged her dainty shoulders, “I didn’t say you had to.”
“Jonathon, do you have any ideas?” I asked. His arms were around me but I knew in his mind he was far from being here next to me. He was far away, wandering, in his dream world.
He shook his head as if clearing it, “No, not really.”
“I know,” said Amelia. “Why don’t we go into the city? We could see an opera or something. Or just walk the streets. The city is so beautiful at night.”
Danny and Mason moaned, “Mom, seriously? The opera?”
