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“What?” I gasped in shock, “I’m not pregnant.”
“Not anymore. You lost the baby in the accident. Why didn’t you trust me enough to tell me?”
“What do you mean? I didn’t know. It hadn’t occurred to me yet. I was still so clouded with everything that happened, that I guess I didn’t notice,” I scrunched the hospital blanket between my fingers.
He ran his fingers gently through my hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered, leaning into his touch. “I was pregnant?” I asked again, in shock.
“Yeah,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand.
I don’t know why, but I felt immensely sad. I hadn’t known I was pregnant, but to know that I had lost a baby, mine and Jonathon’s baby, made me feel worthless. I knew Jonathon was relieved, he had told me the risks, my death, but I didn’t care. It still made me feel sad to know that I had lost my baby. It was like some sort of cruel punishment to give me such an amazing gift and then have it taken away. I knew that I would risk my life to have our baby. I could picture it in my head. Our baby would be beautiful. I pictured it having my dark hair but his curls and bright eyes the color of Jonathon’s when he was human. I realized suddenly that I had never asked Jonathon what his human eye color had been.
So, I did.
“They were brown, like my dad’s, one of the only things I ever really got from him and now they’re gone. My mom had blue eyes. My dad was pure Italian but my mom was from Sweden. I guess we got a lot of her traits, because neither Joseph, Diana, or I, look Italian. It’s kind of amazing, since her traits wouldn’t be as dominate with her light hair and eyes.”
“I wish I could have meant them,” I whispered, picturing his parents in my mind.
I felt foolish for being sad about losing the baby. I should be happy. To have our baby would have meant my death but I couldn’t help myself. I felt like I was lighter, like I was missing a part of myself. I put my hand to my stomach. I guessed I would never have our baby if I wanted to stay human. But a part of me didn’t care. I would do it anyway, just to have one glimpse of our child, to be a mother. I had always wanted to be a mom. I had always loved kids, and always wanted my own, but when I met Jonathon I had just put it out of my mind because I knew it would kill me. But now—Now, I wanted it bad.
I tried to dam the tears back but Jonathon must have seen them sparkling in my eyes.
“Oh, principessa it’s okay to be relieved.”
“Relieved?” I snapped, “I am far from relieved Jonathon. I am a failure. I lost our baby,” I whispered.
“Kylie,” he tucked a few stray hairs behind my ear, “It was not meant to be. Do not be upset over something that was beyond your control. You have to understand that it wouldn’t have been a normal pregnancy for you. It would have been extremely hard on your body and the birth would have ultimately killed you.”
I rolled away from him, and tucked my hands under my head, as I stared at the wall. I couldn’t look at him right now. Partly because I was upset with what he said, and partly because I knew he was right. I needed to get my head together and realize that this was a good thing. I would get to enjoy life with Jonathon for a while longer, but it felt like there was always something trying to kill me. First Selena, then the car accident, and now our miscarried child. I had a lot to think about. Was I willing to give up my life for a chance at having our child? Would I become a vampire simply because I desired to be a mother? The answer should be simple but it was anything but. I had no idea what I would do.
Jonathon came around the other side of the bed so that I couldn’t escape his silver gaze. I tried to hide my face in the pillow. His hand ran gently down the length of my spine.
“Principessa, I don’t know what to tell you to make you happy. Please don’t be mad at me,” he said forlornly.
I turned to look at him. “I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. I love you too much for that. I’m just upset. Give me some time. I know you’re right and that this was for the best but that doesn’t make it any better.” He looked a little bit better, but still worried. I didn’t tell him this but I was also mad at myself for yet another reason; not realizing I was pregnant. How could I have been so ignorant? Was I so caught up in my own misery that I didn’t notice the child beginning to grow in my womb? Well, at least I knew the answer to that question. I had been so blindly oblivious to everything for over a month that I didn’t even notice my missed period, and I guessed if I had, I would have attributed it to
my grief. Grief had been my answer for everything and I needed to stop. I needed to move on. I laughed to myself. I guess I had been, moving on that is, when the car went off the embankment. Just when I was beginning to come out of my stupor and live my life with my new family something had tried to stop it. Maybe the man in the road hadn’t been a coincidence. I didn’t want to voice my revelation to Jonathon but I knew I had to. I had withheld too much from him that ultimately landed me in some kind of trouble.
“Jonathon?” My voice cracked.
“Yes?” he replied and I saw how tired and stressed he looked. He had been extremely worried about me and here I was acting like a brat. I felt horrible.
“The man in the road… do you think maybe he was there for a reason?” I asked.
He ran his hands through his hair and sighed, “I’ve thought about it, a lot, and yes I think maybe he was there for a reason.”
“Why would he want to kill us? I mean, me?”
“I don’t know. I’ve went over it in my head a thousand times and I can’t think of an answer to that question. I’ve tried but I just- I don’t know,” he said.
I could see how much it pained him to say that he didn’t know. I reached out a hand and entwined his fingers with mine.
“Let’s just not think about that for a while, okay? I love you,” I smiled.
“I love you too,” he kissed my lips gently.
“Do the others know? About the baby?” I asked. We hadn’t told anyone that we had sex and so I wasn’t sure if he had told them or not after the car wreck. I hoped none of them knew. I didn’t want them to think any less of me.
