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I glance at Harlow. “I am so cringy. Why have so many people watched this?”
“Shh,” she hushes me.
“This video is for you: Jasper … if you’re watching this I’m sure you already know that. You won’t talk to me in person, so this was the best thing I could come up with. If you never watch this … well, then at least I know I tried my best. I want you to know that every minute I’ve spent with you the last three months have been some of the best of my entire life. With you, I felt like me again. When I was fourteen and I got the diagnosis of end-stage kidney disease I felt like I lost part of my identity. So much of my life suddenly revolved around my disease. But when I met you, even though you knew about my disease and transplant you never looked at me differently and that meant more to me than you can ever understand.” In the video, I begin to cry and wipe away the tears. “A few days after I got my transplant, I saw the newspaper clipping about your brother’s death and it said that your parents donated his kidneys. Based on what I knew when the hospital called me that night with a kidney for me I knew in my soul that I’d gotten his kidney. I was determined then to meet his family, to thank them for the selfless sacrifice they made in the face of such a tragic loss. While they lost a son, I gained a life from that.”
Even now, watching this I feel myself getting choked up and Harlow lays her head on my shoulder offering me comfort.
“Thanks to the newspaper article I had names and … well, you know how the internet is. You can find anybody. I found out where his parents lived, and I went there to thank them. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t very smart of me, but I’d just gotten a transplant and my feelings and emotions were very raw and all over the place. But when I got there … it was you who came to the door. The guy I’d run into before, almost literally, thanks to my silly dog.” I shake my head, wetting my lips as the video continues to play. “You were standing there and I felt my heart race and I … I couldn’t take it. I felt connected to you in a way I never have with another person and I couldn’t face you and I certainly couldn’t tell you I thought I had your brother’s kidney., I ran away. Then as luck would have it, or maybe it’s fate, you saw me on the beach. I tried to get away from you again, but you wouldn’t let me. As I got to know you in those early days I kept telling myself I’d tell you whose kidney I thought I had, you deserved to know, but as the shock from the transplant wore off, my defense mechanisms kicked in. I was afraid for how you might judge me if you knew where my kidney came from. I didn’t want you to think I was a monster, some sort of leech taking away a life that didn’t belong to me. The more time that passed, the harder I fell for you, until now where I can say for certain I’m in love with you. I might be young, but I know what I feel for you is real. You might hate my guts for lying to you, but I only did it because I love you. God, Jasper, do I love you. I love the way you smile. I love the way you laugh. I love the way we can talk for hours and it feels as if no time has passed. I love the way you care about your family. I love everything about you. I love you. And I know it’s probably too late to tell you all this, but I want you to know. I didn’t do this on purpose to hurt you. I wish I’d told you right from the beginning, but I was scared, and surely you can understand that. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope somehow you can find it in your heart to forgive me anyway.” I let out a deep breath and I’m silent for a moment before I finish. “My parents got me two tickets to Japan for the following Tuesday. If, by then, you want to see me again, and can find it in your heart to forgive me, one of those tickets is yours. I’ll be waiting and hoping at the gate for you—but if you don’t show up, I’ll never seek you out again and I’ll understand that this is truly goodbye. Your mom has your ticket, so all you have to do is ask her for it. I made her promise not to pressure you.” I look down, quiet once more. “The last thing I want to say just in case I never get to tell you in person, I love you.”
“We’re going to miss you so much.” My mom squeezes me tight.
“Can’t. Breathe,” I bite out between squished lungs.
“Sorry.” She lets me go and kisses my forehead. “Call us as soon as you land, okay? And when you get to your hotel. And—”
“I promise to give you an entire play by play of everything that happens.” I hug her again.
“Be safe, kiddo.” My dad hugs me next, the worry evident in his eyes.
I won’t lie, I’m worried too. The idea of traveling to a foreign country all by myself is scary to say the least. There’s the chance Jasper will show up, but I’m not counting on it. I’ve learned not to put all my eggs in one basket.
Harlow throws her arms around me next. “I low you,” she whispers in my ear.
“I low you too.”
I let her go, looking at my family one more time before I head into the airport and through security. Despite telling myself repeatedly not to, I continue to scan the crowd for Jasper. Every time I don’t see him I want to kick myself.
I make it to the gate with two hours before my flight leaves.
I take a seat in the corner on purpose so I can kind of hide and it makes it harder to constantly search for Jasper.
Because, I have to face it, there’s no chance he’s coming.
As the time ticks closer to boarding, my stomach grows heavy. I almost call my parents, begging them to come back and get me, that I can’t do this. But I don’t give in. This is my dream trip and I’m going hell or high water.
The attendant comes over the intercom, calling everyone to line up to board.
He’s not going.
Deep down, I always believed he’d show up, and the fact that he’s not here makes my heart shatter all over again.
I thought I hurt before but this is worse, knowing this is it.
I stand up, shrugging my carry-on bag over my shoulder. With my head bowed, fighting tears, I head toward the line.
A steady thump-thump-thump
echoes and at first, I think it’s my heart, but then I realize it’s someone running.
My head whips up and my heart stops.
“Wait! I’m coming! Wait!”
With his backpack thumping against his back, Jasper runs to the gate as everyone waiting to board watches with curiosity.
Toward us.
Toward me.
