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I gave her what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “There’s nothing wrong with not having it figured out yet. You’ll get there.”
She cracked a small smile in return. She reached over for the saltshaker and slid it back and forth across the table between her hands. “I hope so. Sometimes it really sucks living in my brother’s shadow. He’s got it all figured out and he’s good at everything. I’m just me…and sometimes I don’t even know who I am.”
I tried my best to hide my surprise at her honesty, but I failed.
She let out a soft laugh that held no humor. “Sorry to get so deep on you.” Her eyes flooded with sadness. “I don’t have many friends…actually, I don’t have any real friends. Most girls just want to get close to me because of my brother. But you…you don’t know him. I feel like I can trust you.”
“I’m not a good person,” I told her, swallowing thickly. “You don’t want me as a friend. I’ve done things. Horrible things. I—”
Thea shook her head. “No. I think you’re wrong. I think you’re beating yourself up over something that’s stupid.”
I doubted killing three people counted as stupid, but I wasn’t telling her that. I didn’t want to see the fear in her eyes, or the hatred. I’d gotten enough of that back home. The whispers and glances had often become overwhelming. It was why I spent the majority of the last year locked inside my bedroom.
“I’m not a good person, Thea,” I repeated. I needed her to understand that.
Her eyes softened and she reached for my hand where it rested on the table. I flinched at the touch, but refused to pull my hand back.
“You say that, Rae, but I think you’re wrong. Often times it’s all too easy to dilute ourselves into believing one thing than it is to see the truth in our own eyes. I may not know you that well, but I do see you. I see the pain in your eyes and I know something haunts you. We all have demons, but the thing is we usually think they’re worse than they really are.”
I opened my mouth to reply, but was cut off by the waitress appearing with our food.
While we ate Thea chatted about random things—the campus, her brother, how nervous she was for classes. I think she hoped she could distract me from our previous conversation, but it wasn’t working.
I wanted to dismiss her words, but I couldn’t, because a part of me wondered if she was right.
I knew what I’d done was wrong, horrible, despicable, and a bunch of other things, but was I torturing myself because it was easier than moving on?
Three
Sunday started much the same as Saturday had. I got up early, before the sun rose, and went outside to run.
Cade joined me halfway through.
We didn’t speak today and I tried my best to ignore him. I was learning that Cade wasn’t easily ignored, though.
Just like yesterday, I turned to look at him once I was safe in the dorm.
He stood watching me, arms crossed over his chest and his head tilted to the side.
I backed away and up the steps, and still I felt his eyes on me. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling and while it should’ve been creepy, it didn’t seem that way. I wished I could figure out what he wanted from me, but I didn’t dare to ask.
I was considering changi
ng my running schedule, but after some deep thought about it I decided against it. I wanted to run in the mornings and I wasn’t going to let Cade ruin my schedule. I could ignore him or avoid him. Problem solved.
Back in my room I grabbed my towel, clean clothes, and my shower caddy.
If yesterday served as the norm, Thea wouldn’t be up for another hour or two.
I was dreading this afternoon—aka The Pool Party.
I hated myself for agreeing to attend. Parties were not my thing. Especially ones involving water and half-naked people.
I pushed all thoughts of the hell I’d have to endure later out of my mind and let the hot water relax my sore muscles.
Soapsuds clung to my skin and hair before swirling down the drain.
Around and around.
