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I tear the piece of paper out and fold it up then I stuff it and the notebook back in the drawer. I draw my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, like the gesture alone can help seal the gaping wound in my chest.
I don’t know why I bother.
Some wounds never heal.
Sometimes you have to feel pain to remind you that you’re alive.
I allow myself one more minute of wallowing in misery before I shuck off the pain and climb beneath the covers.
My thoughts venture back to Jace and what he might be planning to spend his night doing and I feel queasy again—which in turn makes me angry at myself because I have no right to feel that way.
But the heart doesn’t really have control over what it feels. It’s on a constant rollercoaster of emotion, and we’re just along for the ride.
I count backward from one-hundred, and when that doesn’t work, I count sheep.
I’m still awake when Jace comes in a little after one in the morning.
I hear the front door creak open and he tiptoes quietly across the floor and into the kitchen. I hear him rummaging around in the refrigerator, and I breathe a sigh of relief because it’s obviously only him.
Exhaustion takes over then and I fall straight to sleep.
“Could you stop smiling? It’s weird,” I tell Rae as we head across campus together toward class.
“I’m sorry,” she says, but she’s still freaking smiling. “I’m just so happy.”
I shake my head back and forth in disbelief. “It’s like invasion of the body snatchers,” I mutter to myself.
Last year, Rae kept to herself, barely spoke to anyone unless forced, and always sported a severe case of resting bitch face—all things much like myself, which is why I always liked her.
But then she had to go fall in love and become a ray of fucking sunshine all the time.
I prefer clouds and rain.
“You know what you need—”
“Not a boyfriend,” I interrupt. “If you say boyfriend I will drop kick you.”
She laughs. “I wasn’t going to say that. I think you need a night out. You stay in too much.”
“I went out last night,” I object.
She rolls her eyes. “Going to the bar Jace works at does not count as going out.”
She has me there.
“What would you suggest then?”
“It’s time for another girls’ day.”
I try not to cringe. “I don’t know if I can handle Thea for that long.”
Rae frowns. “I know she can be a bit of a spaz, but she’s so sweet. Her heart’s always in the right place.”
“I know that. I like Thea, I do … Just in small amounts of time. She’
s kind of a lot to take in.”
Rae mumbles in agreement. “We’ll just do dinner then. How does that sound?”
