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I never want to forget it.
I place him gently in the bed and back away.
Nova gets out of the bed and starts getting dressed. Her movements are wooden, like she’s on autopilot.
She’s shut down, I know it.
When she’s fully dressed and looks at me, my breath catches.
The look in her eyes …
I don’t know this person.
She’s a stranger.
Nova
I stare at the tiny spot of dirt my son is buried under.
I stare at it, willing it to go away, to not be real.
This has to be an endless nightmare, right?
I refuse to think this is real, that this is actually happening.
But my logical self knows it is.
You can only deny what’s right in front of you for so long.
Jace’s hand finds mine. My hand is limp in his, but he tries to hold on. Eventually, he gives up.
He’s been trying to hold me close all week, but I avoid his touch like it’s fire and I’m ice and I’ll melt if he gets too close.
That’s the way I feel, though, as if I’m melting, as if my being can’t be held together any longer.
I’ve thought I knew what it was like to be heartbroken, but nothing compares to this. This is hell on earth.
Our friends stand around with us, even Joel is here, solemn and quiet. I know they’re scared to say the wrong thing to me, but the sad thing is I’m too numb for anything else to hurt.
My body merely feels like a vessel and I’m along for the ride.
I don’t care to feel, to think, to do.
I’m only going through the motions.
“The sun’s setting,” Jace says beside me, breaking me from my reverie. “It’s time.”
I nod.
He breaks away from me and distributes the paper lanterns to everyone, including me, but he waits to give me mine until last.
Then he goes around and lights them.
He clears his throat. “I feel like I should say something, but there’s not much I feel I can say. No parent ever thinks this will happen to them. But sometimes, it does. I choose to cherish Beckett’s life while he was with us. He brought us so much joy, so much promise. I know one day, we’ll have more kids, and Beckett will always be there, looking down on us. I only hope my soul is pure enough for me to go where he goes.”
I look at Jace and his eyes meet mine. The pain and hurt I feel is echoed in his gaze.
“I love you,” he murmurs.
