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“You didn’t do anything.” It’s a mournful plea.
“I must have done something for you to have even thought of being with someone else, and there you were acting on it.”
“You’ve been so distracted with school and work, I never see you anymore. I was lonely, I guess.” Tears are rolling down his face. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you did. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.” I take a deep breath trying to control the tears that are trying to burst out of my eyes. “I can’t be with you. I can’t trust you.” My voice cracks, tears pool into my eyes. I look at him as I say this. He looks broken.
“No, please don’t say that,” he begs.
“You don’t even know why you were with her. How can I trust you?” I say trying to hold back a sob. I take a deep, steadying breath. “I do love you, but I can’t trust you,” I manage to say.
“We can work through this,” he pleads. “I swear I will never stray again. I promise. I love you.” He grabs my hands and gazes at me through tear strewn eyes. “Please, forgive me.” He looks desolate.
I look at him, so remorseful. I still don’t understand why he cheated on me in the first place. “I can’t,” I whisper. “Whenever we would be apart, I’d wonder where you were or who you were with. I can’t live like that.”
“Please Liv, don’t leave me.” He is begging, pleading with me, and it’s killing me. I can’t help but remember all the good times we had. My days started and ended with him. He was the love of my life and all I have ever known. I was focusing on my degree so we could live without surviving paycheck to paycheck. Once I had a full time job, we were going to get married and buy a house.
But Brenda keeps telling me I’m young and there is so much more life ahead of me. Can I move past this? I know quite a few people that have taken their lover back after an affair and have been happy. I honestly don’t know if I have that in me. “Please, Evan. Stop. You cheated on me. This is all on you.” I wipe away a stray tear that has fallen down my cheek. He stares at me like his world is crashing around him. I don’t know what else to say to him.
“What can I do to regain your trust?” he asks, clinging to my hands as if I’m about to run.
“I don’t know. Time, maybe.”
“I can do time, I can wait. I just need to know that I didn’t lose you forever.”
He’s been a huge part of my life for so long, I’m not sure I can totally break free from him; to cut all ties. “I can’t say that we’ll be together somewhere down the line, but when I get home at the end of the summer we can try to be friends.” I’m not even sure that will work. They say that men and women can’t be friends, because the man always wants to get in the woman’s pants. I have never had a friend that was a guy, at least not a straight one, so I don’t know if that’s true or not.
“I don’t want to lose you. If that means starting from the beginning, then that’s what I am willing to do,” he states, his words a passionate plea.
“That’s not exactly what I said.” Oh, I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. “I am taking the next ferry back to the beach. Just friends, Evan. I don’t know if it will work, but we can try. This doesn’t mean that we’re back together. I don’t trust you,” I say with vehemence.
“Okay, I can live with that. I can wait for you.” His face lights up, and a small smile plays on his lips. I take a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. That went better than I thought it would. That would be because I caved. I stand up, and he stands next to me and stares into my eyes. “I will wait for you,” he whispers. Crap.
We walk back toward the ferry station. I have another fifteen minutes until the ferry leaves. “I’ll call you when I get home next month.” He smiles and nods his head.
“I look forward to it,” he says anxiously. He turns and walks toward his car like he has a little more spring to his step. I hope I didn’t give him a false sense of hope.
I buy another round trip ticket back to Davis and board the Kiki. It is busier this direction than coming over, so I have to search out a seat. I find one toward the front of the boat up top. I sit down and think about our conversation.
I know I spent a lot of time studying and focusing on my career. The past few months we hadn’t seen much of each other, especially since this was my last semester. But, Evan and I didn’t have much of a love life to begin with. He was more like my best friend with benefits. Although, I really don’t have anything to compare it with. We would watch TV lying on the bed or go out with his friends. Sex was rare. Either I was studying, or he was tired from his construction job. I was a virgin when I started dating Evan, and I never thought I would be intimate with anyone else. Until I met Chase.
Chase makes me feel wanted, desired. The way he looks at me makes me tingle all over. He touches me, and I swoon. When we danced in his cottage, I almost gave myself to him. He could hold me in his arms, and I would be happy for the rest of my life. I don’t remember Evan ever making me feel that way, even when we first started dating. I love Evan, but now I wonder if it’s more like a best friend kind of love. Maybe this breakup is the best thing that can happen to me.
I’m back in Davis by noon. Not too bad. I don’t see anyone so my secret is safe. I walk down Trustee Walk toward my house. It’s Monday, and there aren’t too many people on the walk. Instead of turning right toward the house, I continue straight to take a look at the beach. It’s a beautiful day, waves aren’t too rough. Not too hot. A nice day to read a book down by the water. I turn around and head toward my house to retrieve my beach equipment. As I turn the corner, I see Chase walking toward me. He changed his shirt to a tight blue t-shirt. Wow, those abs. He sees me and smiles.
“Hi,” I murmur.
“Hi.”
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, why?” He’s puzzled.
“Well the way you left this morning . . .” I trail off.
“I’m sorry. Hearing about what that scumbag did to you, it just set me off,” he apologizes.
“Oh, I thought I said something to offend you.”
